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Family venting
Trying to deal with the knot in my stomach and my heart racing. I don't deal with conflict very well (I'm a libra), especially when people are pissed at me.
Backstory: My brother (A) owns his own business and runs it by himself 5.5 days a week. Late in life, he and his wife (R) had a son (N). N is now 7, and my own son (E) is 3. R was always been very regimented about his schedule and I've literally planned events to work around his naps in the past. I made sure my wedding was late enough in the day for them to get there on time. A did not close his business that morning, and they were late and left early. A and my mom do not get along, because they are so much alike, but would never admit or understand that.
This weekend: We were over for my other nephew's birthday party/July 4th party. My mother had made plans for us to go to A&R's lake camp for a cookout on Sunday. Sunday arrives and it's pouring and lightning. We have no cell phone number for A&R (they're weird like that), so we made an executive decision not to go up. Noon rolls around and R calls, very pissed off, asking where we are. We explain that the weather is very crappy and E is getting hungry and tired. R hangs up on us, E passes out asleep on the floor.
Here's the emails that follow. Apology not accepted, and I'm biting my tongue!!!
Hi R,
Sorry we didn't make it up to camp on Sunday. We figured you would understand that the bad weather would keep us from lake stuff and cooking out. Sarah said you sounded upset, but that wasn't our intention. Let N know that we're sorry if he was disappointed- give him a big hug and remind him that we love him a lot! And now we have a phone number to contact you- no one seemed to have it.
Let us know if you're planning on having an August Birthday party. You usually do, so we were already planning to come over for that weekend.
I'm going to send over the info for the scenic railroad trip too....
Today looks beautiful so far, hope you're enjoying it (I'm at work for a quick feeding!).
J
(from R)
I would have understand if it was still raining however I wish I could say it was alright but it really was not. I had planned a 4th of July picnic on Monday (lunch time) not knowing you all were going back on Sunday. Your mother called on Tuesday and invited herself and all of you up to camp on Sunday. That was fine as I did not know you were not staying till Monday. I changed the party to Sunday to accommodate you guys. Not only did I change my plans but the rest of my family did the same. When I called back and told you it was not raining I am not sure why you did not come and to be honest I am pissed off!!!!!!! In fact it had not rained since 10:00 am that morning and did not rain again until 5:15 PM. The rest of my family did come and we had the picnic without you guys. I thought that it was rude and inconsiderant that you just blew us off. Not to mention the additional 50.00 or so dollars extra I spent on snacks, drinks and deserts!! Some of the snacks I could save like chips but the fruit, cheese and deserts are all going to go to waste. Sorry to blow steam off at you as I am not sure who all decided what but when I told you it was not raining I do not understand why you still choose not to come and it really it not all right!!!!!
(from me)
I didn't know about plans for any picnic at camp until we came over Friday, and no one asked us if we were staying until Monday.
We didn't come up because by the time you called it was still raining and lightning in town. E was hungry and cranky and literally passed out on the floor not long after you called. I'm happy to send some money to reimburse the cost of the snacks. I'm glad your family could still come up. It was just an unfortunate combination of timing and weather and I'll leave it at that.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
If possible, try to take some deep breaths and let it bounce off of you and go somewhere else. This wasn't your fault. This was no one's fault. She's just venting her anger out on you, as unfortunate as that is. People who are really strictly regimented with their schedules and plans can get really uptight, upset and irrational when those plans go awry for whatever reason. (not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything...ahem.) Try to allow her the room to vent, and don't take her anger upon yourself - it's just getting your stress hormones going and won't do anyone any good.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
Yeah, sounds like you're done. The best way to handle someone venting like that is to simply apologize once and be done. Explaining won't do any good. Just take some deep breaths, go for a walk and cultivate your own garden.
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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*Did* your mom kind of invite herself and you guys to the camp? Because if so, I can kinda see why your SIL is pissed. She shouldn't yell at you - that's not OK. Perhaps don't plan on going there without an explicit invitation from your brother or SIL. Sounds like info didn't make it from SIL to you from your mom, maybe.
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Permalink Reply by rommie on -
Hard as it is, don't let yourself get drawn into an argument. Some people are just pigheaded and will allow no compromise or even rational discussion because they're right, darn it, and she sounds like one of them. You can't reason with people who admit that they're using you to blow off steam, much less with people who make such blatant overuse of exclamation points, so it's best to not even try.
Of course, this comes from the girl who's so terrified of conflict that she freezes up and tries not to cry, so take that with a whole shaker of salt if you wish. I wish you the best of luck with her. Sounds like you'll need it.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
And everybody has already given good advice, so I'll just say do what they said.
She seems like just one of those people for whom the world revolves around herself and everybody else is just a character in her play--I have a sister in law like that too and it is highly frustrating. There's nothing you can do to placate her and it is best to just not get involved. You didn't do anything wrong, you've apologized anyway for a situation that was completely out of your control, and now you can just let it roll off you, knowing that you did the right thing here. If she can't or won't take that, then it is completely her problem and has nothing to do with you.
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