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Facebook Stalker
So, I bring this here to you all to kind of check myself. A lot of you are friends with me on Facebook. I've gotten so used to interacting with you all there, that I find my time here has decreased over the years. But, today I come back in hopes that you all can offer me a bit of guidance and or a reality check. In private.
Over the past few months I've noticed that my mother has brought up conversations with me that I felt were strange. She talked about things I didn't remember telling her, but none of them were secretive so I didn't think much of it. This morning however, was like a punch in the gut. I woke up to two emails from her wanting to know what I meant by a post I made on an offsprung friend's Facebook page. My mom is NOT friends with this person...doesn't even know this person exists or how we are friends...yet she felt the need to track my comment on and read the discussion on this person's page. Evidently, she wasn’t happy with what she discovered and so she called me out on it. I ignored the email.
So, about an hour later I received a phone call from her about it. Truthfully, my post wasn't a big deal. I didn't bash my Mom...I just talked about experiences I'd had with family/friends regarding being an Obama supporter. My mom however went nuts. She wanted names and instances and when I told her she was making me uncomfortable reading my posts all over the internet she got extremely defensive and said I was freaking her out by being creeped out by what is just a normal behavior. I was her daughter and my business is her business whether I like it or not. I was the one being irrational and acting crazy.
Sooo.....my question to you all. Is that true? Do I have a right to privacy on a public forum? I will say, there is nothing I can do to block her from reading this stuff. My page is already as private as I can make it. I don't understand the workings of Facebook, but evidently, all of my activity runs in her feed. And she likes to go through it and look at everything. And then chat with me about it. I'm too the point today where I just want to shut this shit down completely. Be done with Facebook 100%. I will admit, I did get confrontational after her defensiveness and probably said some mean things. I told she was crazy and needed to respect my privacy etc. I felt 15 all over again. And acted like it.
In the grand scheme of things....this is not a big deal. I'm sure I'm making it MUCH bigger than it needs to be, but honestly I feel violated, manipulated and very creeped out. What are your thoughts?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by RBridwell on -
OH, and if that wasn't enough....yesterday I ranted about I'm tired of being insulted for my politcal beliefs. Well, guess who responds (MOM) basically insulting me. She said I should use my powers for "good" and come to the "right" side. She completely missed the point obviously. So maybe my frustration is doubled because not only does she just completely ignore my feelings, but now she's stalking and then acting like it's all okay.
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Parents can be difficult to deal with on that site. I found I was censoring myself a bit when my mom got on FB and friended me. However, I'm lucky that she understands that I'm very opinionated and she doesn't try to call me out in public. She will on occasion make a remark to me over the phone, but that's the extent of it. "Come to the right side"? For reals? Wow.
In terms of privacy on a public space...that's a tough one. The privacy settings can be tricky to manipulate, so you may have to go over them with a fine toothed comb, and see if you can block her somehow, from seeing everything you are posting. Also, a modicum of politeness should at least be observed. Your mom is breaching the boundaries of good conduct, I think by involving herself in a conversation she has no part in. You may be her daughter, but it's your life, not hers and she doesn't get to tell you how to run it. She's being amazingly nosy - your business is your own. Not hers. Not since you were 18.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
I think your mom is being absolutely disrespectful and inappropriate. That said, it sounds like your settings are not as locked down as you think (and facebook changes them weekly, it seems, so it's understandable). I suggest writing her an email apologizing for losing your temper and telling her that because you want to maintain a loving relationship that you need to not talk to her about political stuff. Then unfriend her on facebook, and make it clear that you're doing it for the health of your relationship and not because you hate her or are mad or whatever - just that you use facebook for particular things and you can't protect her from seeing and engaging with those things, so you've got to cut her off for her and your good. Make it about loving and caring about her, not your own self-preservation (even if that's what it is).
I am not friends with my dad on facebook for this exact reason.
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
That's why, for a very long time, I had a strict "no family" rule on facebook. Because I didn't want to have to deal with that exact situation (not from my parents or siblings, who are pretty cool about most things, but from extended relatives). Even now that I've caved and friended most of my family, I have a few select cousins/aunts on super restricted status, so that they only get to see things that I explicitly make available to them. Although, I don't know how comments on other people's posts do or don't show up, especially people that they aren't also friends with (it seems weird to me that she can see that stuff).
But as far as your mom's general behavior, that is some serious violating of boundaries going on there. Sure, you may have no absolute right to privacy in a public forum, but she is being awfully rude and nosy there. Some stuff just doesn't involve her and you do have a reasonable expectation of respect and boundaries from your own mother. I would unfriend her right quick and let her know exactly why you are doing it.
And slightly off topic, do you read Captain Awkward's blog? She does an advice column and a big part of what she writes about is learning how to enforce boundaries with people who aren't good at respecting them. For instance: http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/14/329-my-partner-wont-set-bounda.... This one isn't exactly relevant, but it may be helpful anyway.
Good luck and *hugs*
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Permalink Reply by Joe Mama on -
I'm sorry that your mom doesn't understand that she is essentially eavesdropping on a conversation and then getting huffy. Her behavior is absolutely intrusive and rude, but it is essentially a public forum and you will never be able to expect real privacy there. Is it possible that she is feeling hurt that you are espousing opinions that she feels are rude or disrespectful to her beliefs? I'm imagining how I would feel if I heard my kids sharing homophobic jokes or the like with their friends in public. I've never seen you put anything untoward on FB, but some folks have lines that you can cross without even knowing they are there!
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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I blocked my mom. Also haven't talked to her for two years, so there's that.
I'd unfriend her, and not as a punitive measure, but because you clearly have other ways of communicating (calls, email) and facebook is proving to be detrimental to your relationship.
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on -
I was her daughter and my business is her business whether I like it or not.
That stopped being true once you reached an age where you could reasonably maneuver the world on your own.
I have to vote with MW on this one. Unfriend her and if she asks why then explain you didn't like the negative affect it was having on your relationship with her.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I completely agree with Kiwi. I am an adult. My parents don't get any say in the life choices I make. I didn't get to have any say in the choices they made when I was growing up (because they were the adults) they don't get any say in the choices I make now. Luckily we're all on the same page here.
Your political beliefs are none of your parents' business. What you say on Facebook is none of their business. Unfriend your mom.
This said, there are ways to lock this stuff down tighter so she can't see it, if you don't want to just cut the cord or cultivate the affect where they don't feel like their opinion is welcome. The latter has always been my approach.
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Permalink Reply by ruth on -
mcglory, do you know exactly how to do that? If I'm right, friends can see my comments on other people's profiles in their sidebar ticker, and I've gone over and over security settings and can't seem to figure out how to prevent that from happening. I would love to stop that if I could.
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Permalink Reply by DonnaKat on -
I have tried to do that, too, without success.
ruth said:mcglory, do you know exactly how to do that? If I'm right, friends can see my comments on other people's profiles in their sidebar ticker, and I've gone over and over security settings and can't seem to figure out how to prevent that from happening. I would love to stop that if I could.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on
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http://internet.wonderhowto.com/how-to/control-what-your-friends-se...
I forgot about that damn ticker because I keep it closed. But basically you can see who your comment would be available to before you comment on their post. If their privacy settings aren't strict enough, don't comment. It's certainly not an ideal solution.
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