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Does the money earner in your house ever act resentful (or if it is you, do you feel resentful)?
When I met my husband I was a bartender. Both of us got tired of me working that job, so he was like, “Hey if you go back to school, I’ll pay the bills and take care of us while you get a degree.”
So he took care of me for 5 years while I was in school, never complaining. Now, unknown to me all that time he was counting the days until I graduated and got a great job so that I could help with the household finances. Now this was my plan anyway....but what happened was I got pregnant a month before I graduated. As soon as I graduated morning sickness hit, but it was horrid, like I had the flu and it lasted a month. So instead of getting a job, I spent my days at home throwing up and generally being super miserable. Apparently my husband resented that because he still had to work the job he hated, while I was enjoying (yeah right) my time off doing nothing (uh puking my guts out and being lethargic and unhappy).
Then we went on our 2 week vacation and he was like, when we get back you need to find a job. And I was like, yeah I know. Well I came back and applied everywhere and no one hired me. Then I started getting a few commissions here or there or occasionally selling painting. I also took a very part time job assisting a dog walker. Which I love, I get paid to exercise and I love dogs. The problem with that is if an owner cancels, then the dog walker does not need me so I do not get paid for that day. Plus it is only like 1 hour a day, so I barely make anything with it anyway. So mostly I work at home, painting or doing occasional freelance Graphic Design. So I am not a total loser, I am just not making a lot of money right now.
My problem is my husband is acting very resentful of this. He threw a fit because he hates his job and I “get” to stay home. And he is upset because lately I want us to save money for the baby and the move, oh and I put every penny I earn into savings, but he is upset because he cannot buy whatever he wants. He thinks it is unfair that he works so hard at a job he hates but he does not get to buy whatever he wants with the money. And I am not spending money, I cut way back, yet he wants new parts for his bike, new shoes, new shirts, new video games...not needs, just wants. And if I tell him we cannot afford this he gets this annoying mullish look on his face and I can tell he is all upset, because he could buy it if I had a full time job. Oh and he decided a couple months ago that seeing he hated his job so much he was going to stop doing overtime. I supported this because I wanted him to be happy, but he still wants to spend, spend, spend and acts like it is my fault he cannot because, yes, from the chorus now, I do not have a full time job.
And I never asked for any of this. It was his idea to get married, his idea to have kids.... I am so sorry I did not get a job the second I got out of school. It’s not my fault, I fuckin try all the time to get work.
I am just really upset today because he got paid and because he now refuses to work overtime the check was way less then we expected it to be. So when he comes home and I tell him after we paid all the bills we do not have extra money he is going to be annoyed and resentful again, because he feels it is my fault for not having a full time job.
And I hate crying, I feel it is bad for the baby.
So he took care of me for 5 years while I was in school, never complaining. Now, unknown to me all that time he was counting the days until I graduated and got a great job so that I could help with the household finances. Now this was my plan anyway....but what happened was I got pregnant a month before I graduated. As soon as I graduated morning sickness hit, but it was horrid, like I had the flu and it lasted a month. So instead of getting a job, I spent my days at home throwing up and generally being super miserable. Apparently my husband resented that because he still had to work the job he hated, while I was enjoying (yeah right) my time off doing nothing (uh puking my guts out and being lethargic and unhappy).
Then we went on our 2 week vacation and he was like, when we get back you need to find a job. And I was like, yeah I know. Well I came back and applied everywhere and no one hired me. Then I started getting a few commissions here or there or occasionally selling painting. I also took a very part time job assisting a dog walker. Which I love, I get paid to exercise and I love dogs. The problem with that is if an owner cancels, then the dog walker does not need me so I do not get paid for that day. Plus it is only like 1 hour a day, so I barely make anything with it anyway. So mostly I work at home, painting or doing occasional freelance Graphic Design. So I am not a total loser, I am just not making a lot of money right now.
My problem is my husband is acting very resentful of this. He threw a fit because he hates his job and I “get” to stay home. And he is upset because lately I want us to save money for the baby and the move, oh and I put every penny I earn into savings, but he is upset because he cannot buy whatever he wants. He thinks it is unfair that he works so hard at a job he hates but he does not get to buy whatever he wants with the money. And I am not spending money, I cut way back, yet he wants new parts for his bike, new shoes, new shirts, new video games...not needs, just wants. And if I tell him we cannot afford this he gets this annoying mullish look on his face and I can tell he is all upset, because he could buy it if I had a full time job. Oh and he decided a couple months ago that seeing he hated his job so much he was going to stop doing overtime. I supported this because I wanted him to be happy, but he still wants to spend, spend, spend and acts like it is my fault he cannot because, yes, from the chorus now, I do not have a full time job.
And I never asked for any of this. It was his idea to get married, his idea to have kids.... I am so sorry I did not get a job the second I got out of school. It’s not my fault, I fuckin try all the time to get work.
I am just really upset today because he got paid and because he now refuses to work overtime the check was way less then we expected it to be. So when he comes home and I tell him after we paid all the bills we do not have extra money he is going to be annoyed and resentful again, because he feels it is my fault for not having a full time job.
And I hate crying, I feel it is bad for the baby.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
i also want to say one more thing.
in the spirit of a new Offsprung, can we all try to maybe not jump all over someone when they say something that you find offensive, especially if the person is a longtime member? i would hope that those of you who know me, know that i do not believe a mother's place is in the home and women should stay home with their children. maybe instead of putting someone on the defensive, one could say, "hey, you said xxxx and it sounded kinda like you meant xyxyx. is that what you meant? or did you mean something more along the lines of zzzzz?"
maybe i'm just 6 months pregnant and sensitive, but i don't want anyone thinking that i don't know how far women have come in the last 25 years. i'm trying to pack and all i can do is think about how attacked i feel.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
I can completely understand why you feel attacked, and I can completely understand why someone would have found the "paying someone else to raise your children" statement really offensive. Hell, I found it offensive but shrugged it off.
Andromeda, you have a lot going on right now, and you are normally not antagonistic. If I took personally every time I said something ill-concieved on the internet, I'd never type again.
RBridwell, you have every right to feel offended, but you did sort of rake Andromeda over the coals. I generally find it a good thumb rule that if I can't summarize my indignation in one paragraph, I'm probably too pissed off to write a reasonable response.
Andromeda said:i also want to say one more thing.
in the spirit of a new Offsprung, can we all try to maybe not jump all over someone when they say something that you find offensive, especially if the person is a longtime member? i would hope that those of you who know me, know that i do not believe a mother's place is in the home and women should stay home with their children. maybe instead of putting someone on the defensive, one could say, "hey, you said xxxx and it sounded kinda like you meant xyxyx. is that what you meant? or did you mean something more along the lines of zzzzz?"
maybe i'm just 6 months pregnant and sensitive, but i don't want anyone thinking that i don't know how far women have come in the last 25 years. i'm trying to pack and all i can do is think about how attacked i feel.
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on -
Wookie you make some very valid points but the point can also be made that since Andromeda felt it necessary to add an appendix to her statement then she knew she was stating something offensive.
wookie said:I can completely understand why you feel attacked, and I can completely understand why someone would have found the "paying someone else to raise your children" statement really offensive. Hell, I found it offensive but shrugged it off.
Andromeda, you have a lot going on right now, and you are normally not antagonistic. If I took personally every time I said something ill-concieved on the internet, I'd never type again.
RBridwell, you have every right to feel offended, but you did sort of rake Andromeda over the coals. I generally find it a good thumb rule that if I can't summarize my indignation in one paragraph, I'm probably too pissed off to write a reasonable response.
Andromeda said:i also want to say one more thing.
in the spirit of a new Offsprung, can we all try to maybe not jump all over someone when they say something that you find offensive, especially if the person is a longtime member? i would hope that those of you who know me, know that i do not believe a mother's place is in the home and women should stay home with their children. maybe instead of putting someone on the defensive, one could say, "hey, you said xxxx and it sounded kinda like you meant xyxyx. is that what you meant? or did you mean something more along the lines of zzzzz?"
maybe i'm just 6 months pregnant and sensitive, but i don't want anyone thinking that i don't know how far women have come in the last 25 years. i'm trying to pack and all i can do is think about how attacked i feel.
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Permalink Reply by RBridwell on -
I too am a long time member of Offsprung and I'm sorry if you yourself felt attacked, that was not my purpose, directly. I did however mean to attack the insensitive remarks, I could not simply shrug those off.
I, like you, am not interested in a working mom vs. stay-at-home mom debate. My only purpose was to defend the hardest decision that I (and many other woman, many fellow offsprungers too) have to make every single (work) day of my life as a mother and as a woman.
Even when I am confident that my decisions are what's best for myself, my children and my family, one little note of discord, such as your post, can unravel my sanity within seconds. Why shouldn't I be allowed to voice my opinion on the matter when it is so important to me? I hope I wasn't disrespectful, that was not my intention. My actual intention was to simply allow you to see how hurtful and insensitive your words were.
And honestly, it has nothing to do with what you believe or your opinion on the matter. It just boils down to the fact that your "advice" was to consider to not put the child in daycare because the "cost" of someone else raising your child is more than the actual dollar amount you'd pay for that service. I don't think you were picking a fight or starting trouble, you were just stating what you believe. And that's fine, but I felt it only fair to show the other side of that fence and what I believe.
Andromeda said:i also want to say one more thing.
in the spirit of a new Offsprung, can we all try to maybe not jump all over someone when they say something that you find offensive, especially if the person is a longtime member? i would hope that those of you who know me, know that i do not believe a mother's place is in the home and women should stay home with their children. maybe instead of putting someone on the defensive, one could say, "hey, you said xxxx and it sounded kinda like you meant xyxyx. is that what you meant? or did you mean something more along the lines of zzzzz?"
maybe i'm just 6 months pregnant and sensitive, but i don't want anyone thinking that i don't know how far women have come in the last 25 years. i'm trying to pack and all i can do is think about how attacked i feel.
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Permalink Reply by Lea on -
I have to say I did not think Andromeda was being judgemental. That is not the way I read her post at all.
I do not feel women should feel bad no matter what choice they make. Both choices have good/ bad ups/ and downs.
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Permalink Reply by Lea on
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I am very understanding of him finding another job, however if he waits 8 more months (which was his idea in the beginning) he will be vested. So then when we move, later on down the line he will get a pension from this job. If he leaves now then we stayed in this horrid city for no reason and we lose all the money he has already put in towards his pension. But as soon as we move he is free to get another job, well he'll have to as we won't live here anymore. We will both be looking for jobs at that time, though now he says he thinks I should go to grad school, lol. Which I would actually love to do, but we'll see how things go when we move.
And we did talk and things are all good again. He felt really bad about upsetting me, and we are going to give him an allowance and still save money and everything else.
But I do appreciate everyone's advice, it was very helpful. I used some of it and it worked ;)
Michael Tuchman said:We've switched off on this, but generally when I have a shitty day, I feel resentful that I cannot express my career concerns to my wife because I don't want to spook her into thinking we're about to starve. But, I get over this. To get over this, I need some alone time or time with friends.
You need to be understanding of his need to find another job, and help him begin the groundwork for planning it. He knows you are supportive, and he knows you know that he's unhappy. You should each know how the other feels and then it is easier to ride out a bad spot until opportunity knocks.
Basically, here's the test I use to see if I've listened over time - if my parents ask "How's Margaret", can I give an accurate answer?
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Permalink Reply by technophile on -
I've felt that way occasionally. The way we get through it is, we have those conversations, someone freaks out, and then we obsessively dissect why someone freaked out and discuss how to collectively open those conversations in such a way that it is clear nobody's job is at stake, we're just venting.
Of course, we're pretty hyperanalytical people, that might not work for everyone. :-P After 8+ years of that sort of thing, though, we're pretty much past the "freaking out" stage; I can't recall the last time it happened, actually.
Michael Tuchman said:We've switched off on this, but generally when I have a shitty day, I feel resentful that I cannot express my career concerns to my wife because I don't want to spook her into thinking we're about to starve. But, I get over this. To get over this, I need some alone time or time with friends.
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Permalink Reply by LeastLikely2Breed on -
Hi Lea,
Have you tried elance.com ? You can get freelance graphic design gigs on there, work only when you want to, and only take on as many jobs as you feel up to.
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Permalink Reply by Lea on
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Elance is crap for graphic design (it might be great for other professions). I am a member of the guild, AIGA, and they are very against it. People are taking work that pays them way under a living wage, as a lot of my competitors on that site live in other parts of the world where the cost of living is a lot less then here in the USA. There for it makes it hard for the rest of us to get paid what we are worth so that we can live on our salary. The fact that branding and graphic design is so important to a companies livelihood means we should be paid decently for it. In the business world our work is important. And a lot of time people are not even getting paid when they do "win" the job. It also seems as if you spend most of the time just trying to compete for jobs that are way underpaid, to often not get them, or get them and then after you work not receive payment. I have hear many horror stories from friends who have tried it. I think it is a waste of time better spent on other aspects of my career.
Oh, and I do not mean I am above getting a paid job, but the payments offered often would result in me getting paid $1 an hour or something else not worth it. I am a quality designer who does not use clip art or just rip off other people's ideas, so there for I cannot whip one out in 2 hours (anyone designer who says they can is not making you an original piece and not putting in any thought or effort into it) and make it worth the amount of money they are paying.
Recently I had a gallery decide to carry my work full time. And I am slowly building up my clientele by word of mouth, so I am slowly getting work.
I do really appreciate the idea :) Thanks for thinking of me!
LeastLikely2Breed said:Hi Lea,
Have you tried elance.com ? You can get freelance graphic design gigs on there, work only when you want to, and only take on as many jobs as you feel up to.
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Permalink Reply by LeastLikely2Breed on
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Hmm... I know what you mean. Etsy is quite similar in that regard -- a bit of a race to the bottom. Although I have seen all price ranges on Elance -- I think it does depend on who the client is -- some people recognize quality work and others (most) are clueless. I use it to find proofreaders/editors -- they usually have a per word rate.
Do you have site themeing skills? That is an area which has a decent rate and a growing need -- also web programmers who make $150 a billable hour are less likely to bat an eyelash when you give them your specs on a job.
Lea said:Elance is crap for graphic design (it might be great for other professions). I am a member of the guild, AIGA, and they are very against it. People are taking work that pays them way under a living wage, as a lot of my competitors on that site live in other parts of the world where the cost of living is a lot less then here in the USA. There for it makes it hard for the rest of us to get paid what we are worth so that we can live on our salary. The fact that branding and graphic design is so important to a companies livelihood means we should be paid decently for it. In the business world our work is important. And a lot of time people are not even getting paid when they do "win" the job. It also seems as if you spend most of the time just trying to compete for jobs that are way underpaid, to often not get them, or get them and then after you work not receive payment. I have hear many horror stories from friends who have tried it. I think it is a waste of time better spent on other aspects of my career.
Oh, and I do not mean I am above getting a paid job, but the payments offered often would result in me getting paid $1 an hour or something else not worth it. I am a quality designer who does not use clip art or just rip off other people's ideas, so there for I cannot whip one out in 2 hours (anyone designer who says they can is not making you an original piece and not putting in any thought or effort into it) and make it worth the amount of money they are paying.
Recently I had a gallery decide to carry my work full time. And I am slowly building up my clientele by word of mouth, so I am slowly getting work.
I do really appreciate the idea :) Thanks for thinking of me!
LeastLikely2Breed said:Hi Lea,
Have you tried elance.com ? You can get freelance graphic design gigs on there, work only when you want to, and only take on as many jobs as you feel up to.
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Permalink Reply by LeastLikely2Breed on
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Also, you shouldn't need to get a job while you're pregnant -- I'm not saying that. I wasn't able to work in any official capacity while pregnant and I work at home now so I'm just trying to brainstorm some options.
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Permalink Reply by Meghan on -
I am glad that you guys were able to talk about things and get something hammered out. Hopefully things will be easier for you now at least until the move. Just try to stay calm/centered. He may freak again, but try not to take it personally and remember how well this went.
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