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Does the money earner in your house ever act resentful (or if it is you, do you feel resentful)?
When I met my husband I was a bartender. Both of us got tired of me working that job, so he was like, “Hey if you go back to school, I’ll pay the bills and take care of us while you get a degree.”
So he took care of me for 5 years while I was in school, never complaining. Now, unknown to me all that time he was counting the days until I graduated and got a great job so that I could help with the household finances. Now this was my plan anyway....but what happened was I got pregnant a month before I graduated. As soon as I graduated morning sickness hit, but it was horrid, like I had the flu and it lasted a month. So instead of getting a job, I spent my days at home throwing up and generally being super miserable. Apparently my husband resented that because he still had to work the job he hated, while I was enjoying (yeah right) my time off doing nothing (uh puking my guts out and being lethargic and unhappy).
Then we went on our 2 week vacation and he was like, when we get back you need to find a job. And I was like, yeah I know. Well I came back and applied everywhere and no one hired me. Then I started getting a few commissions here or there or occasionally selling painting. I also took a very part time job assisting a dog walker. Which I love, I get paid to exercise and I love dogs. The problem with that is if an owner cancels, then the dog walker does not need me so I do not get paid for that day. Plus it is only like 1 hour a day, so I barely make anything with it anyway. So mostly I work at home, painting or doing occasional freelance Graphic Design. So I am not a total loser, I am just not making a lot of money right now.
My problem is my husband is acting very resentful of this. He threw a fit because he hates his job and I “get” to stay home. And he is upset because lately I want us to save money for the baby and the move, oh and I put every penny I earn into savings, but he is upset because he cannot buy whatever he wants. He thinks it is unfair that he works so hard at a job he hates but he does not get to buy whatever he wants with the money. And I am not spending money, I cut way back, yet he wants new parts for his bike, new shoes, new shirts, new video games...not needs, just wants. And if I tell him we cannot afford this he gets this annoying mullish look on his face and I can tell he is all upset, because he could buy it if I had a full time job. Oh and he decided a couple months ago that seeing he hated his job so much he was going to stop doing overtime. I supported this because I wanted him to be happy, but he still wants to spend, spend, spend and acts like it is my fault he cannot because, yes, from the chorus now, I do not have a full time job.
And I never asked for any of this. It was his idea to get married, his idea to have kids.... I am so sorry I did not get a job the second I got out of school. It’s not my fault, I fuckin try all the time to get work.
I am just really upset today because he got paid and because he now refuses to work overtime the check was way less then we expected it to be. So when he comes home and I tell him after we paid all the bills we do not have extra money he is going to be annoyed and resentful again, because he feels it is my fault for not having a full time job.
And I hate crying, I feel it is bad for the baby.
So he took care of me for 5 years while I was in school, never complaining. Now, unknown to me all that time he was counting the days until I graduated and got a great job so that I could help with the household finances. Now this was my plan anyway....but what happened was I got pregnant a month before I graduated. As soon as I graduated morning sickness hit, but it was horrid, like I had the flu and it lasted a month. So instead of getting a job, I spent my days at home throwing up and generally being super miserable. Apparently my husband resented that because he still had to work the job he hated, while I was enjoying (yeah right) my time off doing nothing (uh puking my guts out and being lethargic and unhappy).
Then we went on our 2 week vacation and he was like, when we get back you need to find a job. And I was like, yeah I know. Well I came back and applied everywhere and no one hired me. Then I started getting a few commissions here or there or occasionally selling painting. I also took a very part time job assisting a dog walker. Which I love, I get paid to exercise and I love dogs. The problem with that is if an owner cancels, then the dog walker does not need me so I do not get paid for that day. Plus it is only like 1 hour a day, so I barely make anything with it anyway. So mostly I work at home, painting or doing occasional freelance Graphic Design. So I am not a total loser, I am just not making a lot of money right now.
My problem is my husband is acting very resentful of this. He threw a fit because he hates his job and I “get” to stay home. And he is upset because lately I want us to save money for the baby and the move, oh and I put every penny I earn into savings, but he is upset because he cannot buy whatever he wants. He thinks it is unfair that he works so hard at a job he hates but he does not get to buy whatever he wants with the money. And I am not spending money, I cut way back, yet he wants new parts for his bike, new shoes, new shirts, new video games...not needs, just wants. And if I tell him we cannot afford this he gets this annoying mullish look on his face and I can tell he is all upset, because he could buy it if I had a full time job. Oh and he decided a couple months ago that seeing he hated his job so much he was going to stop doing overtime. I supported this because I wanted him to be happy, but he still wants to spend, spend, spend and acts like it is my fault he cannot because, yes, from the chorus now, I do not have a full time job.
And I never asked for any of this. It was his idea to get married, his idea to have kids.... I am so sorry I did not get a job the second I got out of school. It’s not my fault, I fuckin try all the time to get work.
I am just really upset today because he got paid and because he now refuses to work overtime the check was way less then we expected it to be. So when he comes home and I tell him after we paid all the bills we do not have extra money he is going to be annoyed and resentful again, because he feels it is my fault for not having a full time job.
And I hate crying, I feel it is bad for the baby.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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I understand both your positions, and all I can say is talk, talk, talk. Maybe get him involved in the money planning with both of you working out a budget and savings plan with a step-down spending system so he can wean himself off of the spending rather than cold-turkey. Perhaps leaving him a little bit each week to spend at his discretion as a reward for his hard work and sacrifice for you would show how much you appreciate him.
hubby worked his ass off while I stayed home with two kids. Now that his academic jobs are drying up (though he did get confirmation of a replacement class, so his contract has been upheld!) we've both decided that I would get a solid desk job with benifits so he can concentrate on his composing. I guess I'm like your husband now. Even though my jobs so far are sucking and aren't permanent, they're necessary to the family. I don't resent that he's getting to do what he wants in life because he's worked so hard up until this point, he deserves to shine and further his art. Plus, once he's established as a money-making composer (stop laughing!) I'll get my music ed masters and return to teaching. In the meantime, I'm right there with you in trying to get work.
but going back to you and your husband, feeling resentful or somehow envious may be normal, but acting like a child is unacceptable. If he really doesn't want to work overtime, that's his decision, but he cannot blame you for having less money as a result. It's a lot to take in in a short time, such a change in your life's structure, so he's got to grow up really quickly.
Do you let him see you cry? Maybe he needs to see how he's hurting you.
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on -
He is being a childish ass and needs to put his big boy pants on.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way...
This is a shit market to job hunt in. I don't think it is good for you to pile on the stress job hunting if it is not totally necessary right now. And even if you were working full-time y'all probably wouldn't have extra for all his toys cause kids eat up money as fast as those gnomes in the dryer steal underpants.
I am the working party in my house and The Companion stays home full time. It saves us a ton on daycare and time off work costs. While I do miss being able to eat out at lunch whenever I felt like it and being able to buy more expensive wines I don't resent him for it. He misses being able to go out and buy books whenever he feels like it but he accepts that it was an unnecessary expense since we have a good local library. We are both sacrificing because that's part of what having kids is about.
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Permalink Reply by Lea on -
KiwiBttrflyTy I agree with "He is being a childish ass" And I just wish I get could him to understand we are both sacrificing for this. He has always been a wonderful husband and before this, very unselfish. And to me it is no big thing we can't buy whatever we want, that's life, so what, there are more important things then, well, things.
John T. Capp, See I do try to keep the house clean for him and take care of all the domestic duties, I figure it's the least I can do.
Herasmus B. Dragon thanks for your post. I do tell him to go ahead and buy some things, he just seems to want to buy everything lately.
I think he is probably freakin out because he hates his job, we are going to have a baby and we are moving out of state, and if I had a better job it would make all that easier, but I wish he could see I am doing all I can and then just suck it up for now. We are not poor. We can afford our place, our cars, food, etc. All our needs are met we just can’t spend like we could before he stopped working overtime and I became the Savings Nazi, lol.
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Permalink Reply by Lea on
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Oh, and this is part of the problem too. He thinks it is unfair that I get to stay home and work on my art and he does not get to stay home and write. Now he is an awesome writer, but I actually make money at my art, he does not at writing yet. PLus he has the fulltime job with insurance. And I was not able to get one yet.
Herasmus B. Dragon said:he's worked so hard up until this point, he deserves to shine and further his art. Plus, once he's established as a money-making composer (stop laughing!) I'll get my music ed masters and return to teaching. In the meantime, I'm right there with you in trying to get work.
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Permalink Reply by Annaevilred on -
You could aways show him the estimated daycare bills vs. what you would be making - it's major sticker shock for most people.
Plus getting a job to just go out on maternity leave is silly plus with the move out of state.
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Permalink Reply by Alan on -
HBD hits it on the head with talking. Even for families with unequal earning power money is an issue, and one of the hardest things to talk about without getting emotional.
I've always like the Motley Fools stuff on family fiances, written in a down to earth style that makes it easy to digest, http://www.fool.com/personal-finance/index.aspx?source=ifltnvpnv000....
Here is something you can try that worked for us when the Oracle and I got together: pick one topic about $$ and spend 5 minutes talking about it. Both parties have to promise not to get emotional, to LISTEN & HEAR the other person. Set a timer if you want. After the 5 min are up you each get a prize (you can figure the prize out in advance). Try it a few times and then extend the time to ten minutes if you still have. Some freinds of ours always make sure to have sex before talking about $$, say it takes the edge off...
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Permalink Reply by Lea on
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I tired looking up childcare costs. But I could not find estimates anywhere. But the ones I did see made it sounds like it was only $1000/ month. Which, though alot, is nothing compared to a full time salary.
Oh and I agree with the getting a job thing, I was like, who is going to hire me knowing I will be leaving for maternity leave in a couple months?
Annaevilred said:You could aways show him the estimated daycare bills vs. what you would be making - it's major sticker shock for most people.
Plus getting a job to just go out on maternity leave is silly plus with the move out of state.
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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Is he perhaps freaking out about the changes that will be inevitable when the baby arrives? I'm sure you would have noticed if he has always acted like this. Regression is a typical way of lashing out, and he's acting like a spoiled child. Being excited about a baby and being freaked the fuck out about a baby are not mutually exclusive things.
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Permalink Reply by kanachick on -
I'm going to stand next to Mamawho and Kiwi and just nod enthusiastically.
I'm sure he's freaked out and the weight of knocking you up and having to grow up must be very difficult to handle - we've all been through it though and it is possible to get out on the other side with your sanity intact.
By all means, talk. talk. talk. It's not okay for him to take his shit out on you - it's hard to be a grown up in the real world but it means that you don't always get what you want. People go years without new shoes and new stuff for their bikes...it's okay.
And crying will not hurt the baby in the least. Let that go - you're not hurting the baby at all.
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Permalink Reply by kanachick on
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Dude - how on earth has she worked out being home full time and you doing the cooking and making your own lunch? Heck, my husband works from home and I still make his lunch. I need to have a chat with your wife and see how she swings that one.
John T. Capp said:I don't get into the "I'm resentful because I go to work and you don't" line. However, I do feel pangs when I'm regularly cooking good dinners for the family after I get home late, doing laundry, cleaning, and for example, I'm running late some morning, ironing my own shirt (which I almost always do), and my wife can't be bothered to get out of bed to make my sandwich for lunch (I usually make it myself) to save me a few minutes and our family a few dollars. Then I feel like starting to whine about how maybe I'm a little too liberated.
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Permalink Reply by Lea on
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Mamawho that makes a lot of sense, especially seeing we've been together for 7 years and he has never acted like this before.
Mamawho said:Is he perhaps freaking out about the changes that will be inevitable when the baby arrives? I'm sure you would have noticed if he has always acted like this. Regression is a typical way of lashing out, and he's acting like a spoiled child. Being excited about a baby and being freaked the fuck out about a baby are not mutually exclusive things.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
my husband still has this dream of me going to work full-time. he thinks all our financial problems will magically disappear when i do. (stop laughing!!) he too likes to spend. it drives me nuts!! and yes, he likes to throw his money-earning weight around sometimes. i quickly put a stop to it by reminding him that he knocked me up 3 months after we started dating and he needs to suck it up. the worst part of it all is how his mom likes to blame me for all the debt we're in. (i'm not going to go into how wrong she is, but she is.) anyway, i would also have to concur that your husband a) needs to put on his big boy pants (thanks kiwi) and b) is freaking out about really having to grow up.
as far as daycare rates, just call around to 3 or 4 daycare centers that you might consider putting the baby in. tell them it would be for full time for an infant. $1000 seems about right, but also consider the un-price-able cost of paying someone else to raise your child.* plus, if you are putting the kid in daycare, you will probably end up doing the formula thing which gets VERY VERY expensive. AND, diapers and wipes always seem to go faster at the daycare than they do at home.
*i'm totally not judging anyone who does go back to work after having a kid. some people HAVE to and others just really like their careers. but in the end, the kid ends up spending more waking hours at the daycare than with mom or dad and that would make me sad if i had to do that.
oh, and yeah, why go back to work just to leave on maternity leave then move out of state? that seems really silly.
one more thing: right now is probably the best time to have a baby as opposed to going back to work because there really aren't any jobs. i graduated last Dec and decided to have another kid instead ofbeating my head against a walllook for work. coincidentally, it happened a month after i graduated too!
damn. that got really long.
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