Do You Think About Divorce?

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Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on December 9, 2009 at 9:04am

I have those times when I think about divorce. I've even surfed divorce attorney websites and state laws and such. I think having those kinds of thoughts is probably pretty normal. I have found myself fantasizing about being "not married" (without thinking about how that might be accomplished, just the after part). Like any other fantasy, I can make it perfect without any difficulty, which I know is not even in the same zip code as reality. But, those periods of discontent don't usually stick around for too long.

However, if those feelings stay with you, you might want to talk to somebody. have you considered getting counseling on your own? Not to save your marriage necessarily, but to help discover your own needs and how to take care of you? (Warning: armchair pyschology approaching) - Based on your comment about your age and weight, it sounds like your self-esteem could use a boost. Counseling might help you figure out what YOU want and how to achieve it.

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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on December 9, 2009 at 9:21am

Ugh. Sorry you're in this place. Before divorce, there's always trial separation. This has answered questions for people I've known. They either find out if they're better apart or if they want to work to be together, or if they can swing the logistics, etc. I divorced my first husband, no kids, and it wasn't a picnic, but it was the right thing.

And don't worry about your age and weight. Yeah, so a 20 yr old with a 24 in waist has no shortage of suitors, but check out the marriage license section of the paper. All types, and ages, and sizes of folks find love. But I understand the worry. I have no reason to worry about divorce right now, but if I found myself alone, I wouldn't exactly be a great catch, what with a crazy physical condition that costs a fortune to treat.

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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on December 9, 2009 at 9:43am

I think knowing the laws and processes and even knowing what attorney you'd hire if you needed to can be pressure valve for people. (No, DW, I've not been lawyer shopping. ) He lurks sometimes. :)

Mommy Monster said:

I have those times when I think about divorce. I've even surfed divorce attorney websites and state laws and such. I think having those kinds of thoughts is probably pretty normal. I have found myself fantasizing about being "not married" (without thinking about how that might be accomplished, just the after part). Like any other fantasy, I can make it perfect without any difficulty, which I know is not even in the same zip code as reality. But, those periods of discontent don't usually stick around for too long.

However, if those feelings stay with you, you might want to talk to somebody. have you considered getting counseling on your own? Not to save your marriage necessarily, but to help discover your own needs and how to take care of you? (Warning: armchair pyschology approaching) - Based on your comment about your age and weight, it sounds like your self-esteem could use a boost. Counseling might help you figure out what YOU want and how to achieve it.

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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on December 9, 2009 at 9:45am

If you want to work on it (and it's perfectly okay if you don't), a good place to start is Dr. John Gottman's books. My favorite is And Baby Makes Three, but they've all got good information. I was in a spot a few years ago where the bad was starting to overpower the good, but it was all mundane stuff and the books really turned things around for me.

Speaking just for myself and my situation, I really, really want to stay happily married to this particular guy. But I've seen people close to me go through divorces that turned out to be remarkably positive. (One in particular...I had to restrain myself from sending her a freakin' balloon bouquet the day her divorce became official. I'm so happy to see her free of that guy and all his bullshit.)

Trial separation seems like a good place to start if you're serious. See how it goes, logistically.

Oh, and I second Mommy Monster's recommendation for seeing your own therapist if it's at all affordable.

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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on December 9, 2009 at 5:49pm

Don't try to make your marriage better overnight. Get yourself in shape. Invest in yourself for a few months. Anything can be solved, but it is in layers and may take a year or more to unwind. He is also hurt, which is why he manifests a "lack of ability to love". If you don't want marriage counseling, some individual therapy might be useful to you.

People can love women with kids. Trust me, I've seen evidence of it happening. You're not getting any younger. Invest in yourself and do everything possible to keep every option open. That will not relieve your difficult situation but it will keep the weight of depression off of you.

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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on December 9, 2009 at 6:12pm

I wish I hadn't said that thing about "getting any younger", but time is of the essence. And take it from somebody who has already pushed 40 - sexually adventurous women are at a premium. We don't expect perfect bodies anymore because our bodies aren't perfect. But nice is still nice.

YoYoWannaBe said:

Don't try to make your marriage better overnight. Get yourself in shape. Invest in yourself for a few months. Anything can be solved, but it is in layers and may take a year or more to unwind. He is also hurt, which is why he manifests a "lack of ability to love". If you don't want marriage counseling, some individual therapy might be useful to you.

People can love women with kids. Trust me, I've seen evidence of it happening. You're not getting any younger. Invest in yourself and do everything possible to keep every option open. That will not relieve your difficult situation but it will keep the weight of depression off of you.

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Permalink Reply by ferret on December 10, 2009 at 11:15am

My husband and I were starting to retreat to our own corners, until we got into therapy. Just one session I think helped open us up again. And individual therapy for me has been wonderful, but I then again I assign my own therapy homework.

I'm curious to hear more about the following statement, not sure I am understanding what is meant.

And take it from somebody who has already pushed 40 - sexually adventurous women are at a premium. We don't expect perfect bodies anymore because our bodies aren't perfect. But nice is still nice.

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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on December 10, 2009 at 11:26am

I wondered about that too. I think he's saying that men over 40 have a more realistic beauty standard. I didn't know over-40 sexually adventurous women were at a premium, though. I was under the assumption that we get more adventurous as we get older, but men find us less desirable because of our age. Or are we at a premium because more of us are monogamously partnered up and therefore unavailable?

ferret said:

I'm curious to hear more about the following statement, not sure I am understanding what is meant.

"And take it from somebody who has already pushed 40 - sexually adventurous women are at a premium. We don't expect perfect bodies anymore because our bodies aren't perfect. But nice is still nice."

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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on December 10, 2009 at 6:28pm

Basically what floor pie said. The phrase "at a premium" was not well stated by me. Rather than work too hard to make sense of it, keep in mind I should have simply said, "are always appreciated".

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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on December 12, 2009 at 12:43pm

I thought about it, and still do every now and then. Not necessarily because we aren't getting along...it's just gotten to the point that I wonder why I'm still here. With him. He doesn't need me here, and he isn't contributing much in my life or the kids' lives except financially. He is going to die from overwork soon, if he doesn't slow down. He's already starting to come home early with migraines and such.

However, realistically it's really not an option. He makes quintuple what I would yearly, and it's not prudent to run two households. Plus, it's not like we fight a lot or our relationship totally sucks or anything. We just barely see one another. For me, the solution has come down to changing my expectations of our relationship and changing my expectations of him. I could probably also use a few individual counseling sessions as well, but being realistic in my concepts of our relationship has eased my mind somewhat. I wonder sometimes if it's something to do with where we are at as well - we've been married for 12 years and have a 5 and 8 year old. Things are just hectic. We don't take time to pay attention to each other much these days. I'm pretty sure things will level out when the kids are more independent, but it's hard to see that when you are slogging through the worst of it.

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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on December 12, 2009 at 11:06pm

We appreciate being appreciated.

YoYoWannaBe said:

Basically what floor pie said. The phrase "at a premium" was not well stated by me. Rather than work too hard to make sense of it, keep in mind I should have simply said, "are always appreciated".

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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on December 12, 2009 at 11:17pm

I hear you, MNM. Sometimes I resent that I'm the one who always reigns it in when we're getting too comfortably distant with each other. I start to miss him and wonder if he'd missed me or even noticed that I had my head up my blog for the last few weeks.

But he does notice, and he does care. Fact is, the guy was raised by a mom who was deeply depressed much of the time, and I think as a result there are some bridges that never got built in his brain. In other words, there are some emotional connections that have always been missing. He feels; he just has no clue how to express it, or even that expression is an option. It doesn't occur to him to say "Hey, I need something from you" or even "Hey, I'm happy."

"Ebb and flow," I always tell myself. Monogamy is such a social construct in a lot of ways; I think it's natural to go through phases where we're just on different planes for a while. Flexible expectations are good. Having lots of other social outlets is good. We go through our roommatey phases, but it always comes back around.

mightyninjamom said:

I thought about it, and still do every now and then. Not necessarily because we aren't getting along...it's just gotten to the point that I wonder why I'm still here. With him. He doesn't need me here, and he isn't contributing much in my life or the kids' lives except financially. He is going to die from overwork soon, if he doesn't slow down. He's already starting to come home early with migraines and such.

However, realistically it's really not an option. He makes quintuple what I would yearly, and it's not prudent to run two households. Plus, it's not like we fight a lot or our relationship totally sucks or anything. We just barely see one another. For me, the solution has come down to changing my expectations of our relationship and changing my expectations of him. I could probably also use a few individual counseling sessions as well, but being realistic in my concepts of our relationship has eased my mind somewhat. I wonder sometimes if it's something to do with where we are at as well - we've been married for 12 years and have a 5 and 8 year old. Things are just hectic. We don't take time to pay attention to each other much these days. I'm pretty sure things will level out when the kids are more independent, but it's hard to see that when you are slogging through the worst of it.

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