Do You Think About Divorce?

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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on June 23, 2010 at 10:31am

MM, that's a really interesting question. Something I'm going to have to think about. :) But thank you for posing it.

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Permalink Reply by Gumbo Momma on June 23, 2010 at 12:24pm

I think that's an interesting point too. My parents have stayed together, but in the long run, it benefitted them both and they are happy. I don't think I would consider their relationship a success if they were miserable together. Also, if two people can split up amicably and go on to be friends, I think that's awesome! It's a very good point!

Mommy Monster said:

I recently read Dan Savage's book "The Commitment" and he made what I thought was a really awesome point. Since when did simply continuing to live together, no matter the quality of that life, come to define a "successful" marriage? How did death become the end goal?

He spoke of his parents who raised 4 kids, lived together for twenty some odd years, split up relatively amicably and have remained friends, yet theirs is supposedly a "failed" relationship compared to those who barely tolerate each other but stay together until one of them dies, and that's supposedly a success? I am obviously not doing this justice, but I thought his point was a good one.

bethany said:

Interesting.

I wonder how our childhood experiences affect how we view divorce?
Big Man and I have sets of parents who have been married for over 45 and over 35 years, respectively. Both couples are truly best friends and have shown us excellent examples of what a true partnership between husband and wife is...and that is what we found in each other, because that was our expectation of what marriage is...and that is why we work so well together.
What is everyone else's experience/thought on the parental influence on their response here?

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Permalink Reply by CrazyPlateFace on June 23, 2010 at 2:29pm

Hey, I still exist!

I do think that, while our own respective parents' marital views and habits do indicate some tendencies, it's no slam dunk. My parents are at something like fifty-six years of marriage, and my three siblings have seven marriages between them, if you count common-law. Consider how much like your parents you are in other ways, too.

Another benefit of this discussion: hopefully, it gives all of us an opportunity to take stock of our own marriages.

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Permalink Reply by Lea on June 23, 2010 at 5:14pm

I know mine affected me in that it made me not want to be like my mom. My mom has been married 4 times, which I know is one of the reasons that before I met my husband I never wanted to be married.

I am so glad I didn't get what I want, lol...I love all that I have that I thought I never wanted.

bethany said:

Interesting.

I wonder how our childhood experiences affect how we view divorce?

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Permalink Reply by jenra on June 24, 2010 at 9:35am

Ten thousand years ago, before I got married... Someone told me that I'd consider divorce and murder sometimes as a wife. I've thought about murdering people who threaten or hurt children, but never The Mister. I've thought about divorce though! We even talked about doing it once. Thankfully we didn't go through with it. Most of the time we're in a good place as far as our relationship is concerned but there are so many ways it could go wrong even if nobody did A Really Bad Thing to automatically end it. You can become complacent, distant, stifled, resented, resentful, overly dependant, too independant, forget why the hell you ever liked that jerk... and that's all before you even get to the Really Bad Things people do that end marriages. I tend to think those big deal issues are symptoms rather than root causes. Maybe I'm just being optimistic though, clinging to the hope that if we just work hard to avoid those littler emotional crises, we'll avoid the bigger physical crisis. Keep communication open and nobody cheats. Maintain healthy boundaries and nobody picks up a gambling addiction. It's not that simple, I know.

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Permalink Reply by Lea on June 24, 2010 at 9:46am

I agree with this Completely Jenra.

jenra said:

Maybe I'm just being optimistic though, clinging to the hope that if we just work hard to avoid those littler emotional crises, we'll avoid the bigger physical crisis. Keep communication open and nobody cheats. Maintain healthy boundaries and nobody picks up a gambling addiction. It's not that simple, I know..

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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on June 29, 2010 at 11:46am

I bring this thread back after a week's break because I've been pondering portions of it. I was raised in such a fundie way that divorce wasn't supposed to be an option, but the result of that policy was that women were forced to remain in abusive relationships.

Anyway, in the past week, I was reading Mennonite in a Little Black Dress and came upon this passage which she wrote after describing her abusive relationship and it sort of confirmed my recollection of the negative side of not keeping divorce as an option on either a personal or societal level:

"At this juncture it would be not unreasonable for you to ask, 'Why didn't you just leave, you chowderhead?...My own answer turns on a profound naiveté, one that reveal a pathetic level of simplicity and underexposure. I didn't leave then because it never occurred to me to leave.

The only marriage I had ever seen up close and personal was my parents'. They didn't argue or fight--or, if they did, they certainly didn't do it in front of us kids. I know now that there were a couple of times when my mother almost left my father, but when I was growing up, the idea of divorce seemed as otherworldly as rock and roll, or eating in restaurants. It was something other people did."

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Permalink Reply by Lea on June 29, 2010 at 12:53pm

I definitely do not think divorce should never be an option. If there is abuse, or addictions or for me even cheating...then I believe you have to do what is best for you.

Daria said:

I bring this thread back after a week's break because I've been pondering portions of it. I was raised in such a fundie way that divorce wasn't supposed to be an option, but the result of that policy was that women were forced to remain in abusive relationships.

Anyway, in the past week, I was reading Mennonite in a Little Black Dress and came upon this passage which she wrote after describing her abusive relationship and it sort of confirmed my recollection of the negative side of not keeping divorce as an option on either a personal or societal level:

"At this juncture it would be not unreasonable for you to ask, 'Why didn't you just leave, you chowderhead?...My own answer turns on a profound naiveté, one that reveal a pathetic level of simplicity and underexposure. I didn't leave then because it never occurred to me to leave.

The only marriage I had ever seen up close and personal was my parents'. They didn't argue or fight--or, if they did, they certainly didn't do it in front of us kids. I know now that there were a couple of times when my mother almost left my father, but when I was growing up, the idea of divorce seemed as otherworldly as rock and roll, or eating in restaurants. It was something other people did."

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Permalink Reply by kanachick on June 29, 2010 at 2:02pm

Apropos of nothing - I really enjoyed that book. I thought it was what Eat, Pray, Love was trying to be. I appreciated that she had a sense of humour about her situation and that she was very understanding of her abusive husband - in a mature way. It was a good airplane read.


Oh, and I was just remembering the one time that leaving my husband was seriously on the table. It was about three months after we had moved to Texas and I was so depressed that I almost left him. We went back to Ontario for my brother in law's wedding and I had decided that I wasn't going back to Texas....that I would go back and beg for my job back and find daycare for my daughter and strike out on my own. I managed to calm down during the time I was home and did go back to Texas. I'm glad I did - not so much that I went back to Texas but that I went back to my husband.

Daria said:

I bring this thread back after a week's break because I've been pondering portions of it. I was raised in such a fundie way that divorce wasn't supposed to be an option, but the result of that policy was that women were forced to remain in abusive relationships.

Anyway, in the past week, I was reading Mennonite in a Little Black Dress and came upon this passage which she wrote after describing her abusive relationship and it sort of confirmed my recollection of the negative side of not keeping divorce as an option on either a personal or societal level:

"At this juncture it would be not unreasonable for you to ask, 'Why didn't you just leave, you chowderhead?...My own answer turns on a profound naiveté, one that reveal a pathetic level of simplicity and underexposure. I didn't leave then because it never occurred to me to leave.

The only marriage I had ever seen up close and personal was my parents'. They didn't argue or fight--or, if they did, they certainly didn't do it in front of us kids. I know now that there were a couple of times when my mother almost left my father, but when I was growing up, the idea of divorce seemed as otherworldly as rock and roll, or eating in restaurants. It was something other people did."

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Permalink Reply by wookie on June 29, 2010 at 5:36pm

I think it's extremely common to fantasize what life might be without the baggage of our spouses (his work and family stress + my work and family and kid and etc. stress + the stress of being tired and unhappy). Wouldn't it be great if they only stress I had in my life was my own?

But I think the reality of divorce is, for me and for many people, more bad than good. I'm still at the point where I might not be "happy" and sometimes am quite sad (for many reasons only a few of which have anything to do with my spouse), but I would still rather work it out than rip everything out and start over.

But many others have good, valid, extremely nessecary reasons for divorce (http://gwendomama.blogspot.com/ if you want an example).

I'm just ruminating, really.

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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on July 7, 2010 at 6:20pm

interesting links wookie and sara.

i think about divorce all the frakin' time. i fantasize about it, i dream about it, i look for jobs wondering if it will pay me enough to leave this unfulfilling, boring, stale marriage.

then i think about maybe saving the marriage but i have tried that for years and frankly i'm just over it. so totally over it.

i don't know what i'm going to do but i don't want to wake up at 60 and realize i wasted my life.

Sara Knight said:

I'm not going to say anything because Chef has a tendency to troll on here and other sites to see what I'm talking about. Other than that remark, I'm not going to say anything.

I thought this blog entry had a good point.

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