Do You Think About Divorce?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by BoL on December 13, 2009 at 2:24pm

I hear you on the roommates thing FP, that's pretty much how it's felt since having kids really. I don't recall a time we ever properly connected - and if there was one, it was before children entered the scene. I don't want to sound like i'm blaming anyone personally, but i do believe my own weight gain is a direct result of the lack of any real intimacy in this marriage. I just don't get any "face time", no chats into the night, no deep and meaningful discussions about life, the universe and everything. Mostly we either just state the basics of our work days to each other, or we argue about petty crap. That's pretty much the sum total of our conversation these days. It's not just that it's all we have time (or energy) for, but it's about all we've got in our lives anyway. I can't think of anything to say to him that's in any way interesting. Nothing new ever happens to me, nor he. I don't want to just discuss the shopping list and the fuel rating of the car for two hours, that's for sure.

I get the feeling men don't panic about that, they just sort of tell themselves it's ok so long as you aren't fighting. They don't understand at all that women need a whole lot more conversation and that just getting the business part of the marriage done is not nearly enough... I think this is probably why marriage makes many women overweight. Trying to fill an emotional void with food - it's a sort of self-nurturing, for when your inner-gorgeous-seductress is feeling completely alone and being treated like a sort of unpaid maid.

Personally, I have the body shape of someone who's closest relationship is with fudge. But I didn't used to.

The other part of the difficulty is that men think one major act or gift will buy them many years of a happy wife - women (generally) prefer the little things on a regular basis. I would much rather have a man make time for me most evenings to chat, than to buy me a car or a diamond every few years and ignore me all the days in between.

Having said all that, I'm sort of surprised that chocolate isn't in the marriage vows anywhere, since it plays such a major role in many marriages.

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Permalink Reply by JTX on December 13, 2009 at 2:40pm

Can I just say that "I had my head up my blog" is one of the most brilliant phrases I've read recently? Love that.

And I really appreciate everyone's honesty and views on this. It's not a pretty topic. I think my lack of ability to decide what I really want to do indicates that therapy is the next step...

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Permalink Reply by Lea on December 15, 2009 at 8:49pm

I think I got married a lot older then most of the people here, from things I have read before. And before I met my husband I never wanted to get married. I loved being single. But I met my husband who is like my best friend in a hot guy package. I finally met someone who was enough for me and that I just knew I would not get tired of.

We've been together a little over 7 years, and I am completely happy, my life has never been better. He made me a better person, not by trying to re-make me...but because he saw me as such an awesome person...it made me want to be that.

Yes, sometimes I get annoyed, he is perfect for me...but not prefect...of course neither am I, but I would never ever want to be apart from him. I hope we are together till the end. But we talk a lot. And if one of us has a problem we just tell the other and we try to work it out right there. We both really do not want to ever get a divorce, so we work really hard on being good to each other and talking about what might upset us, etc.

Having said that, everyone is different, and not everyone can work everything out. So I would try to the best of your ability and then if you are still not happy, then you need to do what's best for you.

Also, seriously who cares about your weight? Guys don't care, and seeing you are not going to try to pick up guys in their 20's....most men won't mind if you have children and if they do f' them....they are not worth your time.

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Permalink Reply by Gumbo Momma on June 22, 2010 at 8:51am

I realize that this is a fairly old post, but just for the curious who happen upon it, as I did: There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" that I'm giving to every married couple I know for Christmas this year. The book was written by long time marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, and it explains that all of us express and "hear" love in different languages. He goes over the five primary languages and their sub-languages in a lot of details and gives examples from real life couples he's counseled (sp?), anonymously of course. I know it sounds like a lot of psycho-babble, feel-goody, use your words stuff, but I really, REALLY enjoyed the book and got a lot out of it. The hubs read it when I was through and even though we weren't really having any major problems, our relationship and communication with one another have still noticeably improved.

I grew up kind of outside of the social norm in that I never experienced divorce. That's not to say that my parents haven't had their problems, because believe me: They HAVE. There were fights, emotional separations wherein they would go years without seeming to speak to one another at all unless it concerned my siblings and I; there were physical separations where when my father would come in from work (he worked offshore), my mom would leave and then return when it was time for him to go back out; there were times when I think all of us, my parents and siblings alike, wondered what in the world they were still doing together because NO ONE was happy. But I remember several conversations with my mom where she would remind herself that there was SOMETHING she loved to have gone this far, and that she was just completely against divorce as an option.

My parents went through marriage counseling not once, not twice, but three times... so far. They've been married 27 years, and just to give hope to the bleak: there are times today that I almost don't recognize them for the couple they used to be. My father in particular is a completely new person to me and sometimes I feel like I'm just now getting to really know him. My point is that no matter how crappy things got, or how hopeless counseling seemed, they kept trying and they kept going and it was worth it. They obviously love each other, even when they can't stand each other.

I guess living with that example, I'm of the mindset that divorce is kind of the final option. But then, that's just my opinion and I'm only 5 years into this marriage thing, so it's possible I don't know much!

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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on June 22, 2010 at 5:06pm

I'm glad the book worked for you. I, on the other hand, found it to be terrible, sexist, and reductive. Much like the Twilight series, I found it was most useful for hurling at top speed across a room.

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Permalink Reply by bethany on June 22, 2010 at 6:21pm

Wow, Lea, I would describe my marriage and situation in exactly the same way!

Having 2 kids under 2 makes us more tired and cranky, but I wouldn't change a thing, and have never even contemplated the big D.

Lea said:

I think I got married a lot older then most of the people here, from things I have read before. And before I met my husband I never wanted to get married. I loved being single. But I met my husband who is like my best friend in a hot guy package. I finally met someone who was enough for me and that I just knew I would not get tired of.

We've been together a little over 7 years, and I am completely happy, my life has never been better. He made me a better person, not by trying to re-make me...but because he saw me as such an awesome person...it made me want to be that.

Yes, sometimes I get annoyed, he is perfect for me...but not prefect...of course neither am I, but I would never ever want to be apart from him. I hope we are together till the end. But we talk a lot. And if one of us has a problem we just tell the other and we try to work it out right there. We both really do not want to ever get a divorce, so we work really hard on being good to each other and talking about what might upset us, etc.

Having said that, everyone is different, and not everyone can work everything out. So I would try to the best of your ability and then if you are still not happy, then you need to do what's best for you.

Also, seriously who cares about your weight? Guys don't care, and seeing you are not going to try to pick up guys in their 20's....most men won't mind if you have children and if they do f' them....they are not worth your time.

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Permalink Reply by bethany on June 22, 2010 at 6:26pm

Interesting.

I wonder how our childhood experiences affect how we view divorce?
Big Man and I have sets of parents who have been married for over 45 and over 35 years, respectively. Both couples are truly best friends and have shown us excellent examples of what a true partnership between husband and wife is...and that is what we found in each other, because that was our expectation of what marriage is...and that is why we work so well together.
What is everyone else's experience/thought on the parental influence on their response here?

Gumbo Momma said:

I realize that this is a fairly old post, but just for the curious who happen upon it, as I did: There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" that I'm giving to every married couple I know for Christmas this year. The book was written by long time marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, and it explains that all of us express and "hear" love in different languages. He goes over the five primary languages and their sub-languages in a lot of details and gives examples from real life couples he's counseled (sp?), anonymously of course. I know it sounds like a lot of psycho-babble, feel-goody, use your words stuff, but I really, REALLY enjoyed the book and got a lot out of it. The hubs read it when I was through and even though we weren't really having any major problems, our relationship and communication with one another have still noticeably improved.

I grew up kind of outside of the social norm in that I never experienced divorce. That's not to say that my parents haven't had their problems, because believe me: They HAVE. There were fights, emotional separations wherein they would go years without seeming to speak to one another at all unless it concerned my siblings and I; there were physical separations where when my father would come in from work (he worked offshore), my mom would leave and then return when it was time for him to go back out; there were times when I think all of us, my parents and siblings alike, wondered what in the world they were still doing together because NO ONE was happy. But I remember several conversations with my mom where she would remind herself that there was SOMETHING she loved to have gone this far, and that she was just completely against divorce as an option.

My parents went through marriage counseling not once, not twice, but three times... so far. They've been married 27 years, and just to give hope to the bleak: there are times today that I almost don't recognize them for the couple they used to be. My father in particular is a completely new person to me and sometimes I feel like I'm just now getting to really know him. My point is that no matter how crappy things got, or how hopeless counseling seemed, they kept trying and they kept going and it was worth it. They obviously love each other, even when they can't stand each other.

I guess living with that example, I'm of the mindset that divorce is kind of the final option. But then, that's just my opinion and I'm only 5 years into this marriage thing, so it's possible I don't know much!

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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on June 22, 2010 at 11:17pm

Bethany, like you both AlphaGeek and I come from parents that are still married after many years. My in-laws have a pretty harmonious relationship. I never see them fight. Ever. I don't think my husband has ever really seen his parents fight either, now that I think about it. My parents on the other hand are a portrait in co-dependency and dysfunction. I think they are more resigned to being with each other now, whereas in the past it seemed like they only didn't split up because neither of them would survive, financially. But it was my own mother who talked me out of moving out and taking the kiddos with me last fall when I was considering leaving.

I suppose I figured if she could make it through some tough years with my dad and still come out of it wanting to stay with him I could stick around and do it better myself


bethany said:

Interesting.
I wonder how our childhood experiences affect how we view divorce? Big Man and I have sets of parents who have been married for over 45 and over 35 years, respectively. Both couples are truly best friends and have shown us excellent examples of what a true partnership between husband and wife is...and that is what we found in each other, because that was our expectation of what marriage is...and that is why we work so well together.
What is everyone else's experience/thought on the parental influence on their response here?.

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Permalink Reply by wookie on June 23, 2010 at 7:16am

I think I am somewhere between Mnm and Bol... as are many people.

Things are just hectic, and the energy to "work on it" is sometimes just not there, it's being used for things like keeping your job, preventing the house from falling apart and helping kids with their therapies. Nor do I have time to work on myself.

I struggle mostly to remember that there is love there, because expressing it to one another is unfortunately a bit of a rarity.

I do think, however, that I would not want to throw the whole thing out the window without some serious time invested in at least trying to make it better, even if that involves counselling. Now if either myself or my partner decides that it simply isn't WORTH it (after a serious review of all the costs involved in dividing the household etc.), that is maybe indicative of things being unsalvageable.

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Permalink Reply by Use Your Words on June 23, 2010 at 9:58am

I recommend this book for a great perspective on what we take away from our own parents' partnership(s) in terms of expectations and patterns of intimacy in our grown-up lives ... and, of course, how our kids will turn around and apply our lessons when they grow up. It's a good read.

bethany said:

Interesting.

I wonder how our childhood experiences affect how we view divorce?
Big Man and I have sets of parents who have been married for over 45 and over 35 years, respectively. Both couples are truly best friends and have shown us excellent examples of what a true partnership between husband and wife is...and that is what we found in each other, because that was our expectation of what marriage is...and that is why we work so well together.
What is everyone else's experience/thought on the parental influence on their response here?

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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on June 23, 2010 at 10:01am

Okay, that's weird. How was I signed in as Use Your Words?

But let me take this opportunity to remind folks that Use Your Words is a blog open to members to post about anything they want. Of course you have your own blogs for that too, but feel free to submit an opinion on ANYTHING to Use Your Words! Oil spills, metaphysics, teething, your personal divorce experience ... whatever. We're not picky. We just want you to use your words.

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Permalink Reply by Mommy Monster on June 23, 2010 at 10:28am

I recently read Dan Savage's book "The Commitment" and he made what I thought was a really awesome point. Since when did simply continuing to live together, no matter the quality of that life, come to define a "successful" marriage? How did death become the end goal?

He spoke of his parents who raised 4 kids, lived together for twenty some odd years, split up relatively amicably and have remained friends, yet theirs is supposedly a "failed" relationship compared to those who barely tolerate each other but stay together until one of them dies, and that's supposedly a success? I am obviously not doing this justice, but I thought his point was a good one.

bethany said:

Interesting.

I wonder how our childhood experiences affect how we view divorce?
Big Man and I have sets of parents who have been married for over 45 and over 35 years, respectively. Both couples are truly best friends and have shown us excellent examples of what a true partnership between husband and wife is...and that is what we found in each other, because that was our expectation of what marriage is...and that is why we work so well together.
What is everyone else's experience/thought on the parental influence on their response here?

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