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Dating as a Single Parent
So, I have a plethora of things I want to run by you guys since many of my childless friends have no clue, and since I, clearly, have no clue.
But we'll start with this one: do you think it's much harder for someone to find people willing to date him or her if he or she has kids? That was all weird with the gender-fair stuff, but this is my experience: it's hard to find people willing to date single mothers. Maybe it's true for single fathers, too. Why is this, do you think? Is it social? It seems pretty easily accepted by most of my single mother friends that this is a Truth, but a few of my friends recently have expressed skeptism. What do you think?
But we'll start with this one: do you think it's much harder for someone to find people willing to date him or her if he or she has kids? That was all weird with the gender-fair stuff, but this is my experience: it's hard to find people willing to date single mothers. Maybe it's true for single fathers, too. Why is this, do you think? Is it social? It seems pretty easily accepted by most of my single mother friends that this is a Truth, but a few of my friends recently have expressed skeptism. What do you think?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
I haven't dated in years, but the way I remember it is: Hetero men are scared of committing to their own shadows. In their minds, whether it's true or not, they probably fear that dating a mother will more likely result in marriage and instant parenthood. They probably fear more emotional complications. I'll bet some of them probably just plain-and-simple don't want to share their girlfriend with her kids. And I'll bet some of the worst of them don't like the idea that they can't pretend you're a virgin.
Sorry if that sounds sexist, menfolk. Correct me if I'm wrong...
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Permalink Reply by Mamaluv on -
My brother has never been married and does not have any children. As he gets older (he is now 35), he finds it more and more difficult to find women to date since he has zero interest in women with children. He says that he does not want to raise someone else's kids, and that new relationships are difficult enough without putting children in the mix. I've talked to him about how he is limiting his options, and that he may feel differently if it was the right person, but so far he hasn't changed his stance.
It's only anecdotal evidence, for sure, but I'm thinking that other men may have similar concerns as well. In my experience men can be a little odd about evidence of women's prior relationships, like they want to believe they are the first, best, and only. (And I think that's probably what's going on with my brother too, but he can't or won't articulate that, especially to his "little sister".)
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Permalink Reply by Mamaluv on
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hmm, intersting. I was typing my comment when Floor Pie submitted hers, but they do sound pretty similar. I'd be very curious to read other comments on this.
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Permalink Reply by LeastLikely2Breed on -
I agree with floor pie and Mamaluv -- and consider it a good weeding out feature -- who wants to deal with that? If the pool of men willing to date single moms with kids is smaller perhaps the quality may be better? I have an awesome friend who fell madly in love and married a lovely woman with 2 kids.
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Permalink Reply by guinnessgoddess on -
I like the weeding out feature of my current 'dating' life (that word has never really worked for me - feels too Happy Days or something). I had written a long response to this last night, and was too tired to feel secure about what I'd written, and now wish that I'd at least saved it somewhere.
It's easy to find people to date casually: accepting a long term relationship is another matter. I know for me, though, people who have any sort of social issues with single parents are not for me at all, so that's easy enough. I think the biggest problem for me in terms of seeing people is the sheer logistical near-impossibility of meeting people given that I work 5 nights a week and can't afford childcare or energy to go out the other two. And I have a handy rolodex of good people to cover my essentials but, as the reading in bed thread indicated, it's wearing a bit thin. I would like a partner to embark on more parenthood with and that presents a challenge to me at this point in time. I think in a few years when my career is settled and I'm working less wonky hours, this might all become more possible.
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Permalink Reply by sasychica on -
I like the "weeding out" theory. I have never had a lack of men interested in me as a single mom. But there is a difference between men interested in a casual relationship and men interested in a long term relationship with a single mom. When I was single before, I had several long term casual relationships, scratched the itch kinda thing. But rarely would I get seriously, emotionally involved. My son always came first, and bringing a man into our lives was low on the priority list.
I tend to be very cautious and don't bring men around my kids until well into the relationship (the only man I introduced to my son was my ex husband). If my boys were to meet my "friend" I would introduce him as my "friend". I think what makes it harder sometimes, is that I only get one night free of kids a week and that is the only time I get to see my "friend". I miss all the cuddly relationship stuff that I could have if I did not put my boys first...reading in bed, walking around town holding hands, sleeping next to and waking up next to my lover...single mommyhood can get kinda lonely.
guinnessgoddess said:I like the weeding out feature of my current 'dating' life (that word has never really worked for me - feels too Happy Days or something). I had written a long response to this last night, and was too tired to feel secure about what I'd written, and now wish that I'd at least saved it somewhere.
It's easy to find people to date casually: accepting a long term relationship is another matter. I know for me, though, people who have any sort of social issues with single parents are not for me at all, so that's easy enough. I think the biggest problem for me in terms of seeing people is the sheer logistical near-impossibility of meeting people given that I work 5 nights a week and can't afford childcare or energy to go out the other two. And I have a handy rolodex of good people to cover my essentials but, as the reading in bed thread indicated, it's wearing a bit thin. I would like a partner to embark on more parenthood with and that presents a challenge to me at this point in time. I think in a few years when my career is settled and I'm working less wonky hours, this might all become more possible.
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Permalink Reply by 32flavors on -
I have to agree with all the comments so far and I do think many men use it as a weeding out tool. My current boyfriend had initially done that with me but changed his tune pretty fast once he got to know us. I always had assumed that I would end up with a single father for that reason I guess, because he would have less fear about becoming a co-parent. Ends up I didn't and current boyfriend is totally committed to the both of us.
There is still quite a social stigma about being a step-parent that I think plays into this a bunch. I know I was not at all open to being a step-mom before I became a mom.
Single dads probably struggle a bit too but my assumption is that far fewer of them are in a primary parent role so it is less of a commitment for the women they date.
So yes it's social and it's emotional, it's scary enough to commit when there are no children involved but add children that you will eventually grown very fond of and love and it makes it a scary proposition for most men. I'm not sure that holding onto this as a Truth is very fair though. There always are exceptions and plenty of exceptional men in the dating pool and we serve ourselves better to be open to them, to expect them.
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Permalink Reply by Annaevilred on -
I have to say that if I ended up single for any reason there is no way in hell I'd date a man with kids.
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Permalink Reply by kommishoner on -
I've been thinking about this a lot since guinnessgoddess and I chatted about it last night. I think a lot of dating difficulties from parents spring from a couple of things:
First, I think some of it is about the desires of the person you're trying to date. Some people hear "kids" and run, and some take it as part of the package, or even see a person's kids as enriching the relationship. My younger brother, for example, started dating his wife at 18, the same week she had a baby. My nephew has only ever known my brother as his dad. My brother walked into that relationship eyes wide open, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to him, by his own measure.
Second, and here I only speak from conjecture and shoddy sources (my favorite kind ;) ) I think it can be hard for parents to get close to non-parents. I just feel like it's so common for childfree folks to make assumptions about what life with kids is like (i.e. that you can never go out, that you're always chained to the kids, that kids are generally exhausting, that it's the "toughest job you'll ever love", all that stuff) that it can be hard to relate. Or maybe I'm just projecting some of the difficulties I've had with my friends onto a dating thing. I haven't tried to date since having my child, so what do I know?
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Permalink Reply by ruth on -
TM, I pretty much only dated online, because after my separation I was a grad student in an all-female program about to go into a virtually all female job field.... and I just figured dating online really broadened my options. So doing it that way, I have no real way to know how many men passed over my profile because of my single mom status, but I certainly never, ever had a problem dating men who didn't care if I had kids, and I'd say a fair number of them were perfectly open to a serious relationship if it were to develop. I mostly dated men who also had kids, but that was more a function of age I think; the men who didn't have children who approached me were younger than I really was attracted to.
I think a potentially bigger issue if a single mom ended up dating a man with no children would be the "more kids" issue. For me, it was a completely non-negotiable thing; not only did I not want more kids, I couldn't have anymore anyway. So I made sure to be very clear that I didn't want more kids.
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Permalink Reply by Violet on -
I think that being a single parent does limit those who are interested, but as other's have said it 'weeds' out those who are scared of commitment or running from responsibility and therefore would probably not be compatible with a single parent anyways seeing as we have alot of responsibility and are probably more than likely looking for a relationship that is more than just a casual fling. Having been a single parent on and off for the last 10 years and dating on and off I have had alot of experience with this. There are men out there who are open to single mom's and they aren't pathetic and do have their shit together. I dated one single date and we were engaged for several years, but it didn't work out. I have more to say but have to go, so I will write more later.
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Permalink Reply by Mamawho on
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I got scared and bailed on a relationship with a single father, and I'm not, nor have I ever been, scared of commitment. I didn't bail just because he had kids, but the way things played out around that heavily influenced my decision. One of several things I noticed was that we had very different ideas about raising kids. That could be a serious complication. Even if I had my own biological kids, I might never be a full parent. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who has thought/felt this.
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