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Competitive / Perfectionist Kids?

I'm not sure where The Boy got this "Must Win / Must Never Make a Mistake" attitude, but good grief is it causing him some problems this year.

I just found out from his kindergarten teacher that he's been throwing obstacles in the path of kids who run faster than him on the playground. (How "Looney Tunes.") And he becomes inconsolable if he's not the first/best/fastest at any given thing. He can write, but he sometimes refuses to do it for fear of making a mistake. He kicks ass at math, but he gets upset if the teacher offers him some more challenging material that he can't solve immediately.

Those of you who have kids like this, how do you deal with it? What coping skills have you taught them that work?

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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on April 21, 2010 at 6:04pm

SW, I think he does want to excel at math, but it's always been so easy for him. Once it becomes too challenging, he starts to doubt himself and backs off. More perfectionsim. But I'm okay with not pushing him in that area, as he's already comfortably working above grade level. The rest will come in time.

As for the boy question...I don't know. My daughter doesn't have any of these issues, but the two are very different tempermentally in lots of ways. Maybe it's gender, maybe it's a coincidence.

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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on April 21, 2010 at 6:06pm

FP, one of the things I can definitively tell you is that you are not raising an asshole. The way he responded when he found out the Dragon was afraid of sharks? Sooooo not asshole material.

Also, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian. It speaks to the positive side of competition in boys (among many other things), describes how it's essentially hard-wired into the male brain* and discusses how to use competition in a nurturing way. It's fantastic.

* Gurian is really good about discussing gender as a continuum, and about acknowledging that boys don't always have what he calls "male brains" and girls don't always have "female brains," while at the same time effectively describing how male neurobiology --> male psychology --> boy culture. It's really an amazing read that has helped us a lot in responding to the Dragon's competitiveness.

Floor Pie said:

Maybe he's a budding asshole, but who isn't, in their own way.

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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on April 21, 2010 at 6:29pm

Thanks, Oracle. That's always good to hear! And I keep hearing good things about that Wonder of Boys book. I should check it out.

One interesting thing that came up in our meeting yesterday is how The Boy is really bonding with one of the male IA's. The teacher told me there's a significant difference in The Boy's behavior when this guy is in the classroom. Not sure if it's because he's a man or what, but it's interesting.

The Oracle said:

FP, one of the things I can definitively tell you is that you are not raising an asshole. The way he responded when he found out the Dragon was afraid of sharks? Sooooo not asshole material.

Also, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian. It speaks to the positive side of competition in boys (among many other things), describes how it's essentially hard-wired into the male brain* and discusses how to use competition in a nurturing way. It's fantastic.

* Gurian is really good about discussing gender as a continuum, and about acknowledging that boys don't always have what he calls "male brains" and girls don't always have "female brains," while at the same time effectively describing how male neurobiology --> male psychology --> boy culture. It's really an amazing read that has helped us a lot in responding to the Dragon's competitiveness.

Floor Pie said:
Maybe he's a budding asshole, but who isn't, in their own way.

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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on April 21, 2010 at 6:53pm

Oh yeah ... another hallmark of Gurian's work is his advocacy of having multiple male role models -- of different ages and in different life contexts (school, church, family, neighborhood etc.) -- in boys' lives, creating a "tribe" for them to fit into. Interesting that The Boy's behavior changes when this guy's in the room.

Floor Pie said:

Thanks, Oracle. That's always good to hear! And I keep hearing good things about that Wonder of Boys book. I should check it out.

One interesting thing that came up in our meeting yesterday is how The Boy is really bonding with one of the male IA's. The teacher told me there's a significant difference in The Boy's behavior when this guy is in the classroom. Not sure if it's because he's a man or what, but it's interesting.

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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on April 21, 2010 at 10:53pm

Sorry I got snappy. Obviously this is a sensitive topic for me, but I did kind of open it up to the floor. No worries.

wookie said:

Because this is not easy. No, it isn't. And just because I'm not dealing with the same issue you're dealing with, doesn't mean I'm not dealing with some doozies of my own.

I apologize if you feel I am being inappropriate in the context of what you were seeking. It was not my intention.