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Combating Stubbornness
Wow...it's been a really long time since I've turned to the OS hive mind for advice. Here it goes:
The Bean is 4. He's a very mellow, sweet kid 90% of the time. But he hates instructions. From showing him how to throw a ball to climbing a jungle gym to playing Wii, the kid shuts down whenever I say to him, "Can I show you how to do it?" or "Can I help you?"
We've been instructed by his teachers to start working with him on holding a pencil properly and learning how to write from left to right (he's been doing it backwards). I'm afraid we will face the same stubbornness and shutting down that we have in the past.
Any sage wisdom?
The Bean is 4. He's a very mellow, sweet kid 90% of the time. But he hates instructions. From showing him how to throw a ball to climbing a jungle gym to playing Wii, the kid shuts down whenever I say to him, "Can I show you how to do it?" or "Can I help you?"
We've been instructed by his teachers to start working with him on holding a pencil properly and learning how to write from left to right (he's been doing it backwards). I'm afraid we will face the same stubbornness and shutting down that we have in the past.
Any sage wisdom?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
I think it's part of the "By ME, MYSELF!" phase. He may also feel uncomfortable because he may feel, when you ask "Can I show you?" or "can I help you?" That this means somehow what he is doing isn't right/good enough. I don't know that 4 year olds are that subtle but it could be.
For academic type things (pencil grip and writing left to write), let a teacher do it... the power struggle isn't the same so it will be easier for him/her to give instruction. My JK teacher convinced my 4 year old that lower case letters were a valuable part of the alphabet. When I introduced them, I was met with tears and angry tantrums, because she already had capitals, WTF is this other set of symbols? Why do you need 2 "a"s? We have a perfectly good A in the capital letters.
For anything else non-life threatening, make sure he understands that he can ask you for help, but you can totally let ball throwing and Wii playing slide :-) It probably bothers you more than him when he does something "poorly".
Anyway, just my thoughts.
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Permalink Reply by Kiwi on -
1st Kid had trouble with the pencil holding. We got him these in kindergarten at the recommendation of our pedi and it improved his writing 100%. They are #2 pencil lead so no teachers have given us beef about him using them still (he's in 2nd grade now).
Sorry but I've got nothing useful on the stubbornness.
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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If the issue is more sheer stubbornness and not age-related balking, then your kid is just like me. I was a frustrating kid, or so I hear about 6 times a day. When we were working on issues like this, Mom would be firm about me doing it the right way, then gave me a few minutes (like 3 every 15 or so) to do it "my way". It became a bit of let-out-the-sillies and helped me see the difference between what I was doing and the way it should be done. Eventually the "my way time" saw me working correctly, but with my own flair.
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Permalink Reply by StitchyWench on -
I'd tell you to get him some playdough instead of a pencil :) I think by 4 many can write and handle a pencil but plenty of them don't do it "the right way". Developing fine motor skills is done best through play with substances that they can really manipulate freely. Give him lots of craft time to draw and express himself without writing.
I found when working with preschoolers that it was better to let them do it the "wrong way" and get them used to just expressing themselves freely, first. Next you model the correct behavior and say things like, "I find it a lot easier to control my pencil when I hold it like this."
Or if the kids said, "Wow you draw a really good tree!" Or something along those lines, I would use that as an opportunity to show them how I do it step by step.
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Permalink Reply by Tea on -
Break the crayons and chalk and get him to use them. You won't have to correct his grip because he will have to improve without your prompting.
For the left to right challege put a green sticker, dot or line on the left and red on the right. let the colours be his cues. Try for one line like this on the page. He might be willing to do it if he can put the stickers on. Stichy's modeling approach could work well with this technique too.
Kiwi is right a softer pencil lead is easier to use. For even less friction use a marker or pen. These could be offered only for special printing practice.
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Permalink Reply by Floor Pie on -
This Web site should have some good tips for the handwriting stuff:
http://www.hwtears.com/
Short crayons, those pyramid-shaped crayons, working with small manipulatives like Legos all help lay the foundation for good pencil-holding. Don't get too pedantic with it if he's resistant, because he might completely shut down and refuse to practice. The trick is to make it fun, make it about process.
As for the not wanting help, I try to take a very hands-off approach. I let them struggle. If they seem to be getting stuck, I say "Take a deep breath and try it a different way." Which they actually respond to. If they're really stuck, I'll ask if they want to take a break or if they want help.
Little Girl's preschool teacher sometimes sits with the kids doing puzzles and deliberately does the puzzle wrong. Then the kids correct him, show him how to do it the right way, and they get the experience of feeling competent.
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Permalink Reply by YoYoWannaBe on -
I think 4 is too young to learn this skill. He is angry that he is being made to do something beyond his ability, and labeling him stubborn isn't helping. Kids that age grip pencils and crayons with a fisted grip, and this is developmentally appropriate.
I would ask this person to back up their contention with actual research.
I suspect deep down you also don't think you should be forcing him to do this, and that you actually sympathize with your son.
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Permalink Reply by The Oracle on -
We've dealt with this with the Dragon, too. In the past, the more I tried to show him "the right way," the more he shut down. He even seemed ashamed, like I was criticizing his way by showing him my way. Which I guess I was. So I just stopped. I try to do what Floor Pie suggested -- let him figure it out. Unless he asks for help, I try (try!) to stay out of it.
If he gets it, awesome. If he doesn't but keeps plugging away, equally awesome. If he starts to quit out of frustration, I intervene with a few words of encouragement, questions about how else he could do it, maybe an idea of something else he could try. As much as possible, I try to guide him into a solution so he thinks it was his idea, not mine.
Sometimes, if it makes sense (and if I think to do it), we also talk about the mechanics behind what he's trying to do. Like the other day he was trying to throw a ball further and aim it better. So we talked about what makes a ball go further, or in a certain direction, and we experimented with different "What happens if..." scenarios. So when he realized that using more force and releasing the ball in a certain place gets it where he wants it to go, he felt like he came up with the solution on his own.
I think it's just as important to kids to feel they're competent at solving the problem as it is to feel competent in knowing the answer or the skill itself. At least it seems important to my kid.
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Permalink Reply by zenmom on -
Daily beatings.
Okay, no.
Actually: What The Oracle said.
I find I have much better success when I try to be less "let me show you the right way" and more "can you think of a way that might make this better". Guiding him to the answer rather than making him feel "corrected" is easier on us both, I think.
The other thing I do is when I see him starting to stubborn-up, I try to lighten it up by making a joke or making the activity into a game somehow. Seems to take the pressure off and make him a little more open to guidance.
I also agree with the advice above about letting the teacher take some of those battles. My 5yo had been known to fight me tooth-and-nail on something and then, suddenly, when it comes from Grandma or from his teacher, it's the best idea he's ever heard in the whole world!
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