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Being an Introvert at war with the social needs of children
Those of you with extremely little kids might not have hit this yet, but I think once your kids get to school age, there comes an expectation of social interaction.
Watching my kids with their friends confirms it in my mind. These kids need, beyond school, ways to interact with humans in their own age group who are not their siblings, face to face. They get something from their friends that they don't get from their family. I get that there's negative pressures and influences too, they're also learning how to negotiate and cope and empathize with people who are equals instead of the preset expectations that exist in a family dynamic. All things that I found very hard to adjust to as an adult and still challenge me today, which I chalk up to having a very dysfunctional family and isolated childhood.
But I'm an introvert. By god, I am an introvert. I can go months, maybe years without calling a friend on the phone. And I do enjoy a good chinwag, but I just have a limited tolerance for other humans in my headspace after I've already gotten through an entire workday/week.
So how do other people deal with this? I don't want to have other kids over, I don't want to go through the effort, I resent what it costs me in emotional energy and supervision and sanity to have more voices, more people to monitor, more, more, more. I feel like I deserve to go do the things that recharge me, like hiding with a book, or going for a hike with my dog.
I get that I'm whining. I'm honestly seeking some advice on how to balance this against my innate desire not to deal with it at ALL, which I don't think is going to benefit the kids.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Is there a public play space they can go to, to meet up with friends? That way you aren't the only adult watching. I used to take B and the Little Miss to a local YMCA where they had big groups of kids that just played together in the gym. We also have a thing down here called Pump It Up, that is like a big building full of bounce houses. You can do birthday parties there, but they also have a free time where you don't need to be in an organized group or anything. Is there anything remotely like that near you?
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
Not really, but they're good ideas. I may hate crowds more than I hate unexpected humans in my space too :-)
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Permalink Reply by ks on -
S and I are both introverted like that, him more than me. Honestly, we rarely have other kids over for the boys, and never if it is just Mr. S with them. Because he just cannot handle other kids that aren't his being in his space.
I do feel bad about that sometimes, because I grew up in that house that everybody knows about--the one where there were always kids running in and out and where everybody was welcome. I also grew up in a time and place where kids pretty much ran free in packs, with very little direct adult supervision. And it was pretty great as a kid and I wish I could provide that for the boys, but it isn't going to happen. But we live across the street from their school, which has a pretty kick ass playground and they head over there with their little friends pretty regularly and get some extra-curricular kid time that way. They also get it from their karate classes and such.
I think so long as they have opportunities for socialization, they'll be fine. Those opportunities don't necessarily have to be at your house and now they're getting old enough to do some things on their own too, so that will also help.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
There were definitely houses we hung out in with parents who tolerated that and houses that were less "fun" or hospitable or whatever (I don't think we spent much time worrying about it at that age). In my opinion, kids can generally suss the atmosphere out. The trade off is that as your kids get older, they are likely to spend less and less time at your house as the balance between time with family and time with friends tips. As long as that's cool, I think this is the sort of problem that will sort itself out.
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Permalink Reply by SweetJudyB on -
I've only got a 4yo, but this sounds a lot like my childhood. My dad was a middle school teacher and mom stayed at home (but was too busy gardening or sewing to spend time with me). They weren't social outside of Sunday church, and I was just left to my own devices a lot- which meant I was always at someone else's house (all my siblings were grown and out of the house), sleep overs were never at my house, I didn't have friends over to dinner etc... It didn't really matter to me, and I wasn't misbehaving so other parents were fine with me kicking around. I have no idea if my folks interacted with other parents re: are you ok if my kid plays at your house all day and you feed them lunch....?
Are you ok with your kids spending time in other homes? Are there team sports they can participate in to get more time with their peers? Volunteering somewhere? I can't recall their ages, so some of this might not be appropriate?
I don't know if this helps, feels like I'm rambling, but I bet your kids will find a way. I wouldn't call myself an introvert, but I have a pretty small circle of friends.
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Permalink Reply by bap2 on
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I can't remember the ages of your kids, but I think I was around 8-10 when people started spending large swaths of time at my house.
Think of it this way. I am an only child. My mom was only able to have one, but more than likely desired so. many. more. The neighborhood kids would come to my house daily all summer long, much to her joy. The house was bursting with activity and life, just what she, the extrovert, wanted. So for every time you make yourself happy by sending the kids somewhere else, you very well be making someone else very happy by receiving them.
I also have to thank you all for explaining introversion. I am an extrovert, I have no idea what my kids are yet. However, my husband is a raging introvert. It's taken quite a long time to realize that when we do a weekend away and he's with us 24/7 and we come home and he hides in his office for HOURS and doesn't want to continue the fun--it's not me. It's him and it's normal. Well, at least I hope.
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Permalink Reply by Andromeda on -
I'm kind of like that too. I used to be extroverted when I was younger, but since having kids I feel like I just don't deal well with other people anymore. Also, most kids don't actually like me very much. I'm not mean or anything, it's just always been like that. even when I was a teen and I had nephews. There's just an awkwardness around other peoples' kids. Adults now too. So yeah, we don't host any playdates. In fact, outside of school D has only just started playing with the kids on the street. Part of it is that it's only just happened this summer that all the kids have been allowed to play outside with limited supervision. We don't really go to the park because it sucks and even the kids get bored there after a few minutes. I don't much like to drive to further away parks, but we might start doing that. I'm also going to get the boys in some sort of gymnastics class as both of them are jumping up, pulling up, hanging, swinging, and pushing up off every counter, doorknob, and ledge. (it's totally obnoxious) So maybe they will make some friends there.
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on -
Hmmm. You aren't alone as I've been feeling it with just a preschooler! A couple of disjointed thoughts from a 50/50 I/E person. 1) Having had a cousin in the house today, I've had more time to myself than usual. So, if you get kids who can play well together, you may get a break more than you expect. 2) We enforce "alone time" around here now that naptime is over. And my kid finds it very important and gets mad at me if I try to interrupt it. I know yours are older, but maybe you could encourage scheduled alone time for everyone making you more emotionally prepared for the together time. 3) Perhaps bring a friend along with usual activities-on family hikes, etc. Don't feel like you have to entertain, but just that you have an extra kid along. I know that doesn't totally help and it is extra people to interact with, but try not to put pressure on yourself to "entertain." 4) I don't do small talk well, so I like an activity to watch and kind of discuss with the other adults . We're too young for truly competitive sports, so sports works for us. I'm also currently eyeing some robot place for an activity.
I agree that many times there are certain families who take on the role, but I think you are right that it is important for your kids to learn to socialize. And I think it is nice to know your kids' friends a bit. When they have future issues with their friends you may have insight into their personalities. So, I'm not sure I would complete offload the role, but keep working until you can find the activities and times that work for you.
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Permalink Reply by Boring User Name on
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Thanks for this reminder. I was able to recognize earlier why I just wanted to ship my kids to the basement and be alone today. My family had left an hour earlier. Of course, that wasn't an option, so I was just frustrated. Oh well, at least I knew why.
bap2 said:I also have to thank you all for explaining introversion. I am an extrovert, I have no idea what my kids are yet. However, my husband is a raging introvert. It's taken quite a long time to realize that when we do a weekend away and he's with us 24/7 and we come home and he hides in his office for HOURS and doesn't want to continue the fun--it's not me. It's him and it's normal. Well, at least I hope.
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Permalink Reply by GreenLantern on -
My wife is very introverted, and honestly, it can get tiring taking kids to the park and deal with all that stuff, but it's for them, not us. It's not about what makes me comfortable or what I want, it's about what is best for the kids.
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Permalink Reply by wookie on
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And I get that it's about what's best for the kids, but when what's best for the kids costs you so much that you resent it, it's ultimately not best for anyone. I'm wondering how other introverts find that balance between being outside their comfort zone to the benefit of their kids.
GreenLantern said:My wife is very introverted, and honestly, it can get tiring taking kids to the park and deal with all that stuff, but it's for them, not us. It's not about what makes me comfortable or what I want, it's about what is best for the kids.
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Permalink Reply by ks on
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Honestly, I suscribe to the 'if I'm not happy, then nobody is happy' school and if I'm not feeling it, then it doesn't usually happen. It doesn't do anybody any good to resent your kids, so just do what you can and they'll manage to sort out the rest for themselves. Besides, I think kids are much more resilient than we give them credit for and it is good for them to know that our worlds don't always revolve around them anyway. They'll be fine.
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