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Adding on?
I'm a little excited, but more scared than anything else. My first pregnancy was an utter, miserable disaster that ended at 11 1/2 weeks. My pregnancy with Moose was healthy and mostly uneventful, but it was still pregnancy, and I was tired a lot and pretty much down for the count by the last couple of months. The Engineer works a lot, and while we live near both our families, I don't trust them and am mostly on my own caring for Moose. I worry that I won't be able to take care of him while I'm pregnant, much less after the baby's born. I don't know if I've posted on here about my delivery and recovery from having him, but it went less than smoothly. There is absolutely no way I can think of that I'd be able to take care of a mobile but not independent toddler if I have problems like I did last time. I know people have done it, but I don't know how.
I'm also worried that I'll miscarry again. I don't know if I can handle that, either. I had to hide my pregnancy with Moose from everyone but my husband (and OS, of course) due to family issues after I lost the twins. That meant that not only did I have no support for the first third of my pregnancy, but I wouldn't have had any either if things had gone wrong. I would've had to hide everything--physical issues, grieving, any references ever to the fact that I'd been pregnant--because losing a baby without my father-in-law knowing would be the only thing more disastrous than losing one in the first place. Of course, not having told family for 12 weeks is also a crime, but whatever.
I worry about ruining Moose's life--particularly his sleep. I'm totally horrified that the baby will wake up many times a night, or maybe decide to be awake all night screaming, and will keep Moose from getting any sleep. They would share a room after the first month or two, and while Moose was a great sleeper and very easy on us, it took him a year to really settle down to the point of rarely waking ever up at night and going to sleep quickly and easily. I can't ask for better, but what if the new baby's harder?
I worry that there will be something wrong with the baby and that our current family and I won't be able to deal with it. I feel like we lucked out with Moose, allergies and surgery and all. He's a wonderful, happy, mellow little man. I love him. I know I'd love another child just as much, but I worry that there will be difficulties that won't make it as easy.
Yeah, I worry a lot. It's my thing. You've gotta do what you're good at. I can think of lots of great reasons to have one kid and call it good, but I'm having trouble thinking of any reasons for having more than one.
All that said, I do want more kids. The Engineer has been hinting at having another for a while (and his family has been outright demanding it for years), and the need to be pregnant again, biological or otherwise, has really hit me hard. I'm just...worried.
Can someone who's been there and had it work out please tell me that it's all going to be okay?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TommysMommy on -
Hey... sit back and take a deep breath. It'll be okay!
I don't think you are having any different worries than any of the rest of us when thinking about a second kid. I worried: that we wouldn't have enough time for the second one as we did for the first, that the first would feel abandoned, about miscarrying, about not get pregnant because we got pregnant the first time so quickly, about having a 2nd c-section, about choosing to do a VBAC and then having a c-section any way, about succeeding in the VBAC and having a terrible recovery, having to breast feed again and the pain that went with it, losing a baby to SIDS, etc etc. I think you get the idea! The thing is, having a baby is a risk. But this pregnancy could be completely different and be text book. You just have to decide if you are willing to take the risk and if you are, take a deep breath and go!
It really sucks that you can't depend on your family. I know I've said it before, but FUCK 'EM. It's easy to say and hard to do I know, but at the end of the day, the only ones who really count and need to be in on the decision are you, your husband and your first kid.
I personally found the 2nd kid to be easier, thowing in the caveat that neither of them were croupy or barfers or any of that. I think it was because I knew what to expect in general with Herself. Once she passed the year mark, we were good to go. I still find myself worrying about Himself more. Because it's unknown. He's starting kindergarten in the fall and I'm totally freaked out! What if he's disruptive, what if he makes no friends, what if... what if... ;)
There are lots of people on this site who decided to have 1 kid or 2 two kids or more. And that's what was right for their family. Decide what's right for yours and take the leap of faith. We'll be here for you!
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Permalink Reply by Herasmus B. Dragon on
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It'll be OK. Nomatter what happens, this will be your kid and you will love it and your family will love it and you will make anything that gets thrown at you work.
And, of course, Congratulations!
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Permalink Reply by wookie on -
Whatever you choose, it will be okay. Seriously. We always manage to stretch to meet the new state of the union, by and large.
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Permalink Reply by bethany on -
Everything you described just proves you are stronger than you think. You can do it.
I was worried about the sharing a room waking each other up when we put the girls together (16 mos apart). Basically, the older one learned to sleep through the fuss relatively quickly. Good luck. We all worry about that crazy stuff, and all have our baby journey battle scars. When I hear Dani (age 2.5) and Tori (age 1) start to fuss, I am in utter dread of bringing number 3 here (August due date) but we'll manage. You will too! Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by DLBK on -
I have those same fears about another child you describe, and I'm in the process of starting IVF to hopefully conceive this child I'm worrying about. How's that for ambivalent?! ;-)
I had to deal with a miscarriage while taking care of a toddler, and his schedule and needs and general existence kept me sane. Instead of spending every moment crying my eyes out, I spent that time with my sweet son.
As everyone else has said, if you want more children, you'll find a way to fit them into your world. Good luck getting pregnant!
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Permalink Reply by mightyninjamom on -
Your worries are not unfounded - I don't want to invalidate them. You bring up many good points, but I think the ones that are most pertinent are the fact that you are low on support. When you are ready to tell people that you are pregnant, you will need to line up what support you do have to be ready to help you. Preferably people you can trust.
I got very lucky, in that my son is and was very independent from day one. I could not have managed him during my hyperemetic second pregnancy if that had not been the case. I was pretty much only half-conscious most of the time, because my antiemetics made me very drowsy. I don't know your son, but if he tends to rely on you more, you may have a very rough time of it. I was surrounded by friends and family - but all of them had full time jobs, so there was still no one to help me out.
If you don't feel that Moose would be able to handle himself, you may want to switch your time line up a bit and wait just a wee bit longer. Especially if this time it doesn't take you a long time to get pregnant! You can use the extra time to show him how to dress himself, how to get himself snacks or water.
At the end of the day, you will have to try to find a balance to your worries or they will eat you up. If you haven't already talked to your husband about this stuff, you should. Make sure he takes you seriously. This is a team effort, not Team Rommie.
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Note: I missed the magic word "IF" when reading the end of your first paragraph. Please hold my congratulations in your pocket for when you can truly absorb it.
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Permalink Reply by mcglory13 on -
I think what people have said is true: if you want to have another kid, you will find the resources and make it work. It might not be ideal, it might not be perfect, but we can work with what we have if we want to. If you want to... everything else will straighten out.
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Permalink Reply by kanachick on -
Just a couple of random thoughts - there's nothing wrong with having an only or being an only. If you're just having two then it's probably better to get through all the crappy baby stuff and get on with the fun kid stuff in one big clump than to space it out and have to go back to square one later. My first two are two years apart and my third is three years after that. #1 had no problem adjusting to the addition of #2 but #2 had a hard time adjusting to #3. They're best buds now though - all of this stuff passes. All the sleepless nights and the whining and the diapers and all that other shit that goes along with little wee kids passes and you get a fun little tribe to call your own.
Maybe flip a coin.
How about you agree to have another baby if he agrees to move somewhere that would allow you to move into your chosen career when the kids are bigger? How about I stir that pot a little cause I'm a shit disturber? We had no help because we lived in Texas when #2 and #3 were born (and we were 3 hours from family when #1 was born) it can be done so why not be somewhere that provides you with opportunities for advancement rather than where you're unhappy. Yes. I've been thinking about you for months now. Spooky, eh?
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Permalink Reply by Pauperfamilias on -
I agree with mnm that the key confounding factor is your lack of a support system. You don't trust the family that's nearby to be helpful - why is that? I'm obviously clueless about the history here. Anyway, although you probably feel as though you shouldn't have to take the initiative here, it might be a good time to try and reach out to them. The effort on your part will lose you nothing and the families might surprise you by providing some of the support you need.
That said, I guess that all your worries will look a lot less important when you're holding a newborn in your arms. You and your family will find ways to make it all work.
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Permalink Reply by SweetJudyB on -
I think your list of concerns sounds pretty normal to me- or at least they're a lot of the same things on my own pro/con #2 list. As I've said before, I'm still in the one-and-done camp, but I'm in the minority amongst my family and friends. Yes, you will find more than enough love in your heart for #2. Yes, it might be challenging, but you will also have an amazing little addition to your family. I've also been there with miscarriage and NICU visits, but in time those events fade and there are a lot of positive milestones to focus on.
I can also be a worry-wart, but don't put the cart in front of the horse yet. One step at a time! Start with some prenatal vitamins and go from there. And don't let anyone bully you into having more kids- family's have a unique way of demanding a say in the fertility of their female members.
Good luck in what ever you decide!!!
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Permalink Reply by Kathleen on -
I too, am having a lot of those same concerns. My son is 3 and a half and we are trying to decide if we should have another baby. I am quitting work in two weeks, we live in an apartment so there would be even less room after the next baby, I have epilepsy and some genetic medical concerns so we would want to have another amniocentesis to make sure our baby is healthy, family drama, would I be able to breastfeed this time around, etc. It seems to be a never ending discussion and like there is never a "right" time to have a baby so we are not trying to have another one but also not doing anything to prevent it. I guess we will see how it turns out!
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