From Barack Obama’s June 30 speech on patriotism. Happy 4th Of July, Offsprungers!
“We must remember, though, that true patriotism cannot be forced or legislated with a mere set of government programs. Instead, it must reside in the hearts of our people, and cultivated in the heart of our culture, and nurtured in the hearts of our children.
As we begin our fourth century as a nation, it is easy to take the extraordinary nature of America for granted. But it is our responsibility as Americans and as parents to instill that history in our children, both at home and at school. The loss of quality civic education from so many of our classrooms has left too many young Americans without the most basic knowledge of who our forefathers are, or what they did, or the significance of the founding documents that bear their names. Too many children are ignorant of the sheer effort, the risks and sacrifices made by previous generations, to ensure that this country survived war and depression; through the great struggles for civil, and social, and worker’s rights.
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My Dear Offsprungians:
I started this site more than a year ago (and conceived of it long before that) as the kind of place that I wish had been around when Regina and I first became parents. It’s become that, and so much more. Yes, the writing is excellent, funny, charming, and informative, but that was always part of the plan. I didn’t, however, know what to expect from the membership. You all continually amaze me with your honesty, good humor, warmth, unimaginable sexiness, and, most of all, open-minded attitude. If all parenting culture was like Offsprung, the world would be a much easier place to navigate. I’ve never felt such sincere friendship and warmth, and have made some true lifelong friends here, of summer-camp depth, that I thought could never happen again in adulthood. This is the pine-cone ceremony of the parenting Interwebs.
That said, it’s time for the site to grow, like a seedling, or a dormant stock. We could all stay here and share our lives forever, but I want the rest of the world to know what we’ve got, and how important it is to all of us. So I’m asking you, the membership, to do me a favor. Help us publicize Offsprung. I need you to write a letter to your local newspaper, to a columnist whose opinion you like and trust. Write or call your favorite radio personality, or blogger. Spread the non-Jesus good news. Be personal. Tell them what makes the site unique and special to you, and what makes it different than all other parenting websites. Maybe someone will take the bait, and then the fun can truly begin. I don’t need you to write to big media, like the New York Times, or MSNBC, or Field And Stream, or something along those lines. They’re not going to be interested in our particular patch–yet. Instead, let’s keep it local and specific.
We never ask you for anything here at Offsprung, except your time and attention. But in order to stay alive forever, to never grow old and never die just like Wilford Brimley in Cocoon, we need increased web traffic, and there’s no better advertisement for a site than its members. So please help us out. Take five or ten or twenty minutes sometime this week or next. Get cracking, people, or we’re going to start charging you $15.99 a month! In our minds.
Thank you,
The Mgmt.
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I realize that Ralph’s World is a little outside my snobbish aesthetic, but this should be a really fun show. Offsprungers get a discount at the door. I’m also looking for volunteers to help me at an informational table so we can spread the good word about our online home.
The JPEG I have for the show poster is too big to publish on this site, so I’ll just say that it’s at the Echoplex, 1154 Glendale Blvd. on Saturday, June 28. Doors open at 10:30, and you’re out of there by noon.
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Today is Offsprung’s “virtual tour stop” for The Baby Bonding Book For Dads, which exists to help the clueless, emotionally-distant American male achieve a closer relationship with their loin-products. TBBBFD (for short) is a warm, gently funny volume full of tasteful photographs, which places it in sharp contrast with the screaming, fecal-stained nightmare that makes up most of our parenting experience. Still, dads must bond, on their own terms. I offer some suggestions after the bump.
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As one of the many non-financial side benefits of being a semi-well-known writer of books, I sometimes get emails from publicists asking for help in promoting other semi-well-known writers. Considering that the Walgreens Corporation sells more tampons in one hour than I have books in my entire career, this is a mistake on the part of the publicists. But who am I to disabuse them of their illusions of my influence?
I recently received an email from a publicist about No Man’s Lands: One Man’s Odyssey Through The Odyssey, by NPR correspondent Scott Huler. According to the publicist: “The book follows the author’s true travel adventure as he attempts to retrace the legendary steps of Odysseus, from the ancient ruins of Troy to his ultimate destination in Ithaca. His mission: to both understand the classic tale and its hero and get to know himself better in the process.”
That sounds interesting enough. Shades of A.J. Jacobs! But why turn to me for promotional assistance? “It all began for Huler when he declared on national radio that he refused to read Joyce’s Ulysses. The idea of the everyman hero traveling and experiencing adventure beyond his wildest expectations inspired Huler to retrace Odysseus’ steps while his loving family (and a new baby, his wife found out she was preggers right before he left!) awaited his return.”
Ah, of course! Brainy midlister with a “preggers” wife heads off on a midlife criss disguised as a quixotic adventure. Sometimes, I loathe myself beyond measure. But this promotional email got me thinking about my next book. Maybe I, too, could retrace the steps of a great work of literature, discovering something about myself in the process. Now help me brainstorm as I come up with my next remaindered work.
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One year ago today, give or take a week, Offsprung went live. Now, thousands of posts, dozens of videos, and seemingly millions of Playground comments later, it’s still alive. To celebrate, I think I’ll just say thanks to all of you for helping to keep us afloat, and that I hope I can be making a similar post in May 2009. I’d also like to thank some of our noble contributors who have since moved on to more (or less) profitable ventures, and, in particular, Matt Tobey, who worked so very hard to make this site what it is, then was imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit, plotted sweet revenge in jail, staged a miraculous escape, and subsuqently became one of the wealthiest men in Europe. Wait. That’s The Count Of Monte Cristo. But, still, thanks, Matt.
Now, take a trip in the Wayback Machine, and enjoy this screenshot from May 9, 2007.
What’s your favorite Offsprung memory or moment?
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With the vastly under-publicized fourth Indiana Jones novel set to drop on us this month, I thought I’d try to give this little sequel that could a boost. This month also sees the DVD release of Volume 3 of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, the smartest and most earnest history show for kids in the last 20 years. This edition sees Indy through the end of World War I, and then takes him off to fight Dracula, enjoy Jazz Age New York, go to Hollywood and futz around with a young John Ford, and various other adventures too numerous to mention. The set also includes dozens of documentaries, so in case your kid is interested in Paul Robeson or Woodrow Wilson’s goals for the League Of Nations, you’ve got it all right here.
I love these shows because they don’t exactly go for the most obvious history. Indy has a flirtation with Edith Wharton, for god’s sake, and gets to meet such important but relatively untaught-in-America figures like Kemal Attaturk. My one caveat about the set is that it’s really for ages 10 and up. Elijah wasn’t too interested in the plotline about Indy and young “Ernie” Hemingway competing for the affections of an Italian girl, and even the Dracula scenes were a little plodding for his taste. There’s a lot of Indy falling in love, and not a lot of bullwhip action. In fact, there’s none, though there is plenty of gunplay. Still, as a supplement for your older kid’s inevitably lame social-studies curriculum, I can think of nothing better.
Meanwhile, in case George Lucas was thinking of making more episodes, I have a few suggestions. You can read them after the bump. Then, make up your own. The winner gets my boxed set, slightly used.
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Our good friends at SMITH Magazine, in conjunction with an artisanal pickle crafter, want your pregnancy stories! SMITH is looking for amazing, unusual, or simply memorable pregnancy stories in 100 words or less. You don’t need a bun in the oven right now, just at some point in your life (and a photo to prove it). They don’t care how or with whom you had/raised your baby, or if his godfather is a bad, bad man. They just want to hear your story. Three grand -rize winners will have their story and photo on “Slices Of Life,” a nationally-distributed line of pickles called “Slices of Life.” Seven runners-up (six moms and one dad) will win a Rick’s Picks Pregnancy Pack and SMITH magazine’s six-word memoir book. Like we said twice at the top of this paragraph, go here: http://www.smithmag.net/pregnancy-contest/
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If you’ll allow me a moment of nostalgic self-indulgence, I just found this on the interwebs. Some random dude took the time to make a video of my band’s big “hit.” Yes, that is me singing. Dakota Smith wrote the music and Jim Roll did the mixing. The Neal Pollack Invasion: One of rock history’s most obscure disasters. Now watch, enjoy, and go fuck yourselves.
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When I was a kid, there were no themed birthday parties. My parents dropped a half-dozen friends and I off at Golf-N-Stuff, gave us each 10 bucks and a bus pass home, and headed off to the greyhound track. But we live in an age of zealous over-parenting and birthday one-upsmanship. Kids get a lot of birthday-party invites. If your party doesn’t offer enough goodies, or a cool theme, or quality entertainment, then you’ll be stuck celebrating with Uncle Barry and that weird drooly boy from across the street.
The professionals at Celebrations.com are trying to help, with a well-meaning, thorough, but hopelessly uncool collection of birthday-party ideas. A “kid’s circus” with inflatable big-top, cotton-candy machine, and (yawn) design-your-own-puzzle sheets? We’ve been to that party, and found it wanting. A “backyard farm” party with petting zoo, “Crafty Pony” invitations, and “Candy Barn” cake? Show us something new already. A “Wii Party”? We call that “Saturday afternoon” in our house.
Admittedly, the “Kids Celebrity VIP Party”, based on something that the site threw for Snoop Dogg’s birthday, is a new twist, but it’s not a Snoop party without the gange, and we don’t want the kids tapping into our stash. That medical shit is expensive!
We’re tired of the same old mainstream birthday parties. That’s why we’ve started the Offsprung Birthday Club™. Assuming we like you enough to include you, our suggestions can make you the indiest, most iconoclastic parent on the block! Examples after the bump.
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